Thursday, August 25, 2005

standing surrounded

I love to be back in the craziness of the city. There is always people moving, always going, and always more things to do than anyone could imagine. Even though I love all of these things about the city, I really have to step back and not be a part of them time and time again. This summer when I was driving truck, I was alone. Most of the time in the car rides out, I was alone. In Wyoming you feel like you are alone more often with all of the open space. It is just like the beauty and sky that goes on forever is with you. I got use to not being with people. I was told I was anti-social this summer, but honestly I was working so much I didn't have time. I did get use to being alone.
I am not having a really hard time with the idea that people are always around. That no matter where I go someone is going to want to go, or there are going to be people there also. It isn't going to be just me driving down the road. I am having a hard time adjusting. I can't even go to the store alone, or to get the mail. I have found enjoyment in staying up late, and getting up early just to be able to spend time with myself. I even got to a point where walking around campus, I keep my head down, and I just stay to myself.
When you are used to being able to do things without the hassle or the presence of someone else, it seems hard to want to be with people again. Not to mention that I haven't been alone for more than about 2 hours unless it is at night, meaning sleeping. I don't get tired of the people just frustrated. I have been able to sit and think about so much this summer. When I am alone my mind has time to process things, and just to wonder. Now I have to focus on other things, and I haven't had much time to think or admire things, because there are so many people everywhere.
I mostly need a place to escape to. I am going to start getting more time alone, one way or another. I just needed more time to slowly adjust. To have a slow process of change back to this. Not a week straight of people and never being alone. I feel like no matter where I go I am surrounded.
Step away when you see me standing there. I am disconnecting from the world.