Sunday, July 17, 2005

complex felt

I have a way of hiding how I feel. Mostly because I am not able to honestly tell someone how I do feel. I think that feelings are one of the most complex things in the world. I am an i- person, idealistic and indecisive. When it comes to sharing feelings and being both of these it is not a good thing. Idealistic side of my pictures the best, going above any expectations, and making me the happiest person in the world. The indecisive part of me knows deep down that it won't turn out like that, so then I have ponder a million different ideas of how it could be bad, and good. With all these ideas, it doesn't make it any easier to be able to share because I will go back and forth with myself. The idealistic side finding the ways to make it just right, and the indecisive not wanting to then wanting to, on and on. Not that this is all that bad of a thing, because of the complexity of feelings.
I am not even sure if I could breakdown a so called feeling. I could say that it is touching something. That is a feeling, a true sense of touch. I am talking about the ones that you are aware of. I guess that is a way to put it, you are aware of something around you. It could also be an experience. When I have feelings for someone it is an experience to be with them. It is like something takes over me, and I am aware that they have an impression made in my mind. They have to be just natural. I can't see you being able to develop feelings for someone, that is more like a tolerance for them. I am not sure if I will ever be able to truly know what a feeling is, but it sure does something to you.
i-person through and through, I know that feelings are going to be hidden with me for sometime, before I am able to let one slip out to a boy. I think that I do more through actions. I suppose that would be part of the experience. I am overwhelmed, or am I just whelmed with the fact that a feeling is more than I make them, or are they less than I want them to be.