Friday, July 22, 2005

maybe it is an overactive bladder

I recently found a notebook that had fallen behind my drawers. Now this is not surpising because I am a writer, but my thoughts are so rambled that I usually have more than one journal at a time going. This notebook was however not just mine. It was yet again other things from when I was 14, a best friend's notebook. We kept it to remember things that we did, or to just have something to look back on when we went to college. I must say that it brought back some really fun times that now I don't think I would remember without it, but one thing really caught my attention. I used to talk about peeing on people's faces. If I was upset at someone, or someone did something to me I would just be like alright I am going to PEE ON THEIR FACE.... Now I am not going to lie, I still say this occasional, ALTHOUGH it is not even a fourth of what I used it. I really is a good idea though. That would seriously be the grossest thing I think you could go through. It would be up there with having your body stretched until it was completely out of shape (okay maybe not but still). I just can not imagine doing it to someone. Being a girl I would have to stand over them, probably even squat, just to be able to get it close to their face. Then just the idea that they would HOPEFULLY have their eyes closed, but still. I know that I might have said it but the idea and the visual picture I get are just not a good idea. I think this is one thing that I am going to work on not staying anymore. It might have to go to the idea that I am going to kick them in the face. Although not at all as gross, I still would not be able to kick anyone in the face, but it sounds more threatening, if you were to ask me. The thing I like about phrases such as "I am going to pee on your face" is that people will give you that you are a crazy look, and not talk to you anymore. It is just a conversation ender, and a way to keep people wondering about you.
Making people wonder about you is something that I want to work on. I hate being told that I am easy to read. I am sure that I am, but still I want to have a mystery about me. I want people to wonder, and not just think that she said something like that to freak us out. I can't tell you why I did say that, but I did, and I did a lot. I suppose I want people to wonder about me because that makes you want to spend more time with someone, if you are a constantly wondering what they will think of next. I guess that is a way of not sharing your entire self right away either. I guess if I keep finding or thinking back to my 14 year old days then I would surprise myself a lot more. I don't remember things or see how they affected me until I am 5 years older.
I still need to think of something to say when I am really upset, because I don't think I want to use "Pee on their faces" anymore.