far in the future

I want to escape the future. It seems that is the thing that everyone is focusing on. Yes, I was excited to get things done for the future, but I am not talking about the future of a month. I am excited for that close of one. I am just not so excited about the future of what are you doing next summer. There is so much determining that that I am not at all sure. I have to apply to my program, and I am planning on applying to more than just one school. If I don't get into Arizona's program, I want to spend the summer in the place that I am going to live, where ever that might be. Where will I be, I have no idea. I guess I like to think about the future when I am certain about it. I like to think about all things I am certain about. Isn't that a much more comfortable thing to do. I am not so sure that I want to worry about the future of next summer until at least first semester is over. Maybe we can just hang out and rest our minds. Isn't that what would be awesome to do on the future. I am not certain about it, and I might not be until it happens. I didn't pick a college the first time around until a week before graduation. I don't think that I need to hurry it again. I have a year at least this time, and a lot more things that will help me to decide. I just need to clear my mind, let it rest, rest on things that I can see not things I can't picture in my head yet.

far in the future

I want to escape the future. It seems that is the thing that everyone is focusing on. Yes, I was excited to get things done for the future, but I am not talking about the future of a month. I am excited for that close of one. I am just not so excited about the future of what are you doing next summer. There is so much determining that that I am not at all sure. I have to apply to my program, and I am planning on applying to more than just one school. If I don't get into Arizona's program, I want to spend the summer in the place that I am going to live, where ever that might be. Where will I be, I have no idea. I guess I like to think about the future when I am certain about it. I like to think about all things I am certain about. Isn't that a much more comfortable thing to do. I am not so sure that I want to worry about the future of next summer until at least first semester is over. Maybe we can just hang out and rest our minds. Isn't that what would be awesome to do on the future. I am not certain about it, and I might not be until it happens. I didn't pick a college the first time around until a week before graduation. I don't think that I need to hurry it again. I have a year at least this time, and a lot more things that will help me to decide. I just need to clear my mind, let it rest, rest on things that I can see not things I can't picture in my head yet.

finally full

I finished my class schedule today. I know it seems late, but the thing was that I really wanted to tutor at a certain place and my classes were not allowing me to do this. I thought I would wait until the drop date for not paying tuition. Turns out I got things figured out, and I am just going to have to tutor 2 afternoons a week, and pick up something else also. My problem was that I was just so frustrated with this. It was probably half way due to the fact that I just got off night shift, and didn't sleep at all today. I just hate wasting the days. I got a lot accomplished, so now I just have to hope that I enjoy the classes I got, or just suffer through them. For some reason actually being a full time student, accepting your financial aid, sending a check for your APT rent, and getting at least 8 hours a week of a job makes you feel a lot more ready for school. A thrill of excitement entered me today when it happened. Doing all these things so late in the summer just help me to know that I wasn't going to be working at the mine forever. It was the settling sound of only 11 days (really 3 nights, 8 days) left out there, before my car is packed to the max and headed south. I am not going to look back on my summer just yet, because I still have an actual weekend left that I have off. I think that makes it a lot easier to know a lot of things. I have a lot of thoughts on it, but I will save them a few more weeks.
I doubt that I will delay to do things for my classes again. I am a jr. by credits so I should have been able to get into a lot higher standing classes. I do have a lot of time between my classes, but I am hoping to use it for study and work time. It will help me to get things done, when I have to. It seems like only taking 13 hours I will have a lot of time, but I suppose with 2 jobs I am going to pick up, and the fact of 2 studios in those 13 things will be crazy like always.
I am a full time registered, paid, and ready to go back student.

maybe it is an overactive bladder

I recently found a notebook that had fallen behind my drawers. Now this is not surpising because I am a writer, but my thoughts are so rambled that I usually have more than one journal at a time going. This notebook was however not just mine. It was yet again other things from when I was 14, a best friend's notebook. We kept it to remember things that we did, or to just have something to look back on when we went to college. I must say that it brought back some really fun times that now I don't think I would remember without it, but one thing really caught my attention. I used to talk about peeing on people's faces. If I was upset at someone, or someone did something to me I would just be like alright I am going to PEE ON THEIR FACE.... Now I am not going to lie, I still say this occasional, ALTHOUGH it is not even a fourth of what I used it. I really is a good idea though. That would seriously be the grossest thing I think you could go through. It would be up there with having your body stretched until it was completely out of shape (okay maybe not but still). I just can not imagine doing it to someone. Being a girl I would have to stand over them, probably even squat, just to be able to get it close to their face. Then just the idea that they would HOPEFULLY have their eyes closed, but still. I know that I might have said it but the idea and the visual picture I get are just not a good idea. I think this is one thing that I am going to work on not staying anymore. It might have to go to the idea that I am going to kick them in the face. Although not at all as gross, I still would not be able to kick anyone in the face, but it sounds more threatening, if you were to ask me. The thing I like about phrases such as "I am going to pee on your face" is that people will give you that you are a crazy look, and not talk to you anymore. It is just a conversation ender, and a way to keep people wondering about you.
Making people wonder about you is something that I want to work on. I hate being told that I am easy to read. I am sure that I am, but still I want to have a mystery about me. I want people to wonder, and not just think that she said something like that to freak us out. I can't tell you why I did say that, but I did, and I did a lot. I suppose I want people to wonder about me because that makes you want to spend more time with someone, if you are a constantly wondering what they will think of next. I guess that is a way of not sharing your entire self right away either. I guess if I keep finding or thinking back to my 14 year old days then I would surprise myself a lot more. I don't remember things or see how they affected me until I am 5 years older.
I still need to think of something to say when I am really upset, because I don't think I want to use "Pee on their faces" anymore.

accomplish impact

Lately I have this strong desire to accomplish something. I feel like I have to be able to check something off my list, to feel like I have done something that day. Having this mind set is good for getting things done, but it is often the times that I become grouchy, and I loose relationships. I really do have a lot of things that are not getting done, because I have been so cross tracked. That is the one thing that I can not stand about being in Wyoming and a small town. I hate going somewhere, anywhere and not getting out of there for at least 20 minutes, because there was someone there that wanted to talk to you. That is the hardest thing for me, and one of the things I love most about the city. I love being anonymous, in a world of strangers (even if they are familiar). I know that I accomplish a lot more that way. I need to get things done, and that is the reason for the lists, and the fact that I forget a lot, but I like to see that I have done something. I guess it all goes back to think that I am wasting so much time. That I drive circles at work with no challenge to my mind, or abilities, so on my days off that is what I long to have. I just want to feel like I have made more of an impact for a day. The impact that would mean the most wold totally be the relationship one that I end up putting on hold when I have the lists. I see that I do these things but I know that I want things to get done. I need to have a lot of the things get done, so I think some things can wait. I just need some time alone, and some time to get things done.

paint me over

Make a change, right? It feels like I am covering up a lot of memories, with a layer of paint. I had forgotten all the nights that I would lay on my bed and write on my wall. I suppose the paper was not enough to hold my thoughts. Past that I had painted my favorite album title above the window, anyhere but here... I always used to wait to escape this place, and now I have. Softball was written down one wall, because I used to love to play sports. It seems that a lot of myself was in this room, and I am painting it all over. My friend told me not to paint it, because it was her favorite place to escape to, and she had so many memories there. I am still painting it. Trying to make it not so 14 year old. I suppose that I am also trying to break down to the person I am now. When I was cleaning things out for the garage sale, I found who I used to want to be. It was something that I did, I strived to be someone that I wasn't. There were the years I longed to be a hippie. Peace, Love, and Fake. Anyone that knows me can not forget the I am punk years. The boots, fishnets, can we forget all multiple times I dyed my hair. I am not sure that I ever each the lifestyle of a punk, because I was too considered with meeting the look, and who I needed to be to become that stereotype. Finding all these photos, items, and now all the things I am painting over makes me come to see that I am a person that long to be someone else. I was always content with the person that I made myself into. I think that it was more of belonging without admitting it. It seems that a layer of paint is covering up the insecurities that I never wanted to admit. I have made a change, but it was within myself. I know have to make this change within the place that I feel at home. I have been away, but I am back and there isn't a place that I would rather be. I feel home, and that is just what I feel. It is so real here. It is real in the since that it is the place that has formed me, and covered me for so long. I want to be able to feel at home with the 14-year old inside me forming me but not influencing my choices now. Now I am able to do things that I wasn't and it might just be some paint, but it isn't blue or yellow. It is paint that makes my true self come out and now that it is okay. I am comfortable with being predictable, indecisive and well just being janelle. I like the person I am, and I am not going to change because I am changing the place I feel at home. I am changing this place because I need to be able to know that I am not something I am not. The paper still is not able to hold my thoughts, but I will know have more wall to write on. I can also show the passion I have for creating spaces. It is the one desire I have not lost to learn more about. This is what I am becoming.... an organized, predictable Janelle, but at least I can tell you who I am, what I like to do, listen to, and not just the answers that I thought I would make me seems more like the person I wanted to be. I am okay if people don't like my opinions, answers, or just music. The paint is covering the past to make way for the present.

i paid to much to see a remake

I went to watch Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory in the theater tonight. I must say I have been avoiding going to theaters due to the high price of tickets, but I wanted to do something tonight. I must admit living in Wyoming, there wasn't much less since I wanted to go out. But the fact of the matter is that movies are very overpriced, and I am now banding them until they are cheaper. I will rent, I can wait that long. I also think that movies are not meant to be remade. I am not sure how Willy Wonka fits into this because it was good. I think that when movies follow a book, they need to do so exactly. Being the 2nd movie off this book, it had some standards to met. It followed the book closer, but I am not so sure about the movie itself. My favorite part of the first one was how they went down the stairs into the land of pure imagination. I think that this movie rushed things along more, but focused more on Willy Wonka over the others taking the development of each part. I think that it was played terrific, and the sketchiness of the character was amazing. I am not sure I would way the 7.75 to see this movie again in theaters, but I am sure that I missed a lot of details, that I would enjoy going back and watching for. I am still confused if they should redo movies. I mean this one had made a name for itself, the first time around. Singing and dancing Oompas, so much to reach. Remake, or just move on to another book since it seems movies can not be written anymore, they are just directed.

complex felt

I have a way of hiding how I feel. Mostly because I am not able to honestly tell someone how I do feel. I think that feelings are one of the most complex things in the world. I am an i- person, idealistic and indecisive. When it comes to sharing feelings and being both of these it is not a good thing. Idealistic side of my pictures the best, going above any expectations, and making me the happiest person in the world. The indecisive part of me knows deep down that it won't turn out like that, so then I have ponder a million different ideas of how it could be bad, and good. With all these ideas, it doesn't make it any easier to be able to share because I will go back and forth with myself. The idealistic side finding the ways to make it just right, and the indecisive not wanting to then wanting to, on and on. Not that this is all that bad of a thing, because of the complexity of feelings.
I am not even sure if I could breakdown a so called feeling. I could say that it is touching something. That is a feeling, a true sense of touch. I am talking about the ones that you are aware of. I guess that is a way to put it, you are aware of something around you. It could also be an experience. When I have feelings for someone it is an experience to be with them. It is like something takes over me, and I am aware that they have an impression made in my mind. They have to be just natural. I can't see you being able to develop feelings for someone, that is more like a tolerance for them. I am not sure if I will ever be able to truly know what a feeling is, but it sure does something to you.
i-person through and through, I know that feelings are going to be hidden with me for sometime, before I am able to let one slip out to a boy. I think that I do more through actions. I suppose that would be part of the experience. I am overwhelmed, or am I just whelmed with the fact that a feeling is more than I make them, or are they less than I want them to be.

thoughts of a day

I had this idea for a blog. I am a list maker, so I thought what if I made a list of thoughts I had a day. When that was WAY to many random things. But what about a few...
• I thought about having someone on your mind, and how isn't that an interesting idea. What is it that puts them on your idea, is it an event, smell or just a general feeling of like. I also thought about how long can you think about that person. If you think about them for a long time, is it like you think just about things you have done together, or after a while, do you start to daydream things you would do with this person.
• When you talk to someone what to they look at when they are not looking at your eyes, like when they are gazing behind you, and what are they really thinking about when they are talking to you.
• I wonder if I would even making through. Just like with each little thing that I do.
• Do people watch me like I watch them. I am really into the things at people do. I mean just like where they sit at a table compare to others. I just wonder if people observe my behavior like I do theirs.
• How do you answer when you are really uncomfortable with the comment someone made.
• Beauty in this world is in so many forms. I thought about how it was in voices.

okay that is just somethings I thought today.. not even half, just some I remember.

tick tick tick

I am not sure of the time. It passes but I never know just want I am doing. It seems that I am loosing time, so much of it. I like to do things when I am in the mood to do them. If I want to go for a run at midnight then I would like to do be able to, or even bake a cake at six in the morning. I just like to do things on my time, and not when it seems good for others. I have come to find that I am not aware of time like I used to be. I went through a stage where I was very into time management. I had each and every minute of my day planned. This was not going time management skill for me. I would become frustrated if something was not accomplished but according to my time planner it was time to move on. I think that now I am loosing time because I am not paying attention to the clock. I am wasting what people think is time. With my shift work, and 12 and a half hour days it makes it hard to do things on the nation's clock. I really feel like I accomplish a lot within a day that I have off. It might be at hours not everyone would be able to agree with, but it passing the time for me. It is loosing it and I am able to do things when I feel like it. I suppose that is why I have started to just sit and read, or knit. I even sat there this morning once my room was picked up, I sat there to just think. I know that is something I do a lot with my loosing time. I think about a lot of different things. It is hard to not when sitting in a truck that long, talking to yourself. Sometimes the thoughts are of how I am wasting more time than I am spending. But then I think about how isn't everything loosing time in its own way. If you think about how when you do something you don't enjoy it is loosing time that could be done for something you enjoy. BUT if you are doing something that you enjoy isn't it loosing time for something you need to do. I suppose the time and keep passing, and I can loose it for my relationships, events and plans, but overall I might gain something more with an hour of lost time.

same day each year

It is like a grill glowing in the distance, and the smell of meat frying in the air. It is the night sky lit up by burning chemicals, and Stars and Stripes playing every other time separated by God Bless America. It is a blanket laid out on the grass, and the sticky hands of lemonade. It is one of the days of year that people use as an excuse. It is a long weekend and a chance to get away. I am not sure what the world thinks of it, but to America it is one day of the year that is set aside. The 4th of July, Independence Day. It is something that I have never been able to comprehend. I think that I can think of the most traditions for this day over any others. It seems to be the one holiday that any American will use as an excuse to drink. I know that is should be something. I suppose the fireworks look like gun shots and bombs. The BBQ has become a celebration meal. The time of the year is beautiful. Plus the 4th of July sounds so much better then like the 4th of August. It works. Whatever it is.

Whole to parts

The thing that I enjoy most about work is that I get to see the sun rise and set each day I work. Tonight on the way home I watched it the entire time. Not to worry about the safety of the other drivers on the road, I was a passenger. Each and every night it is a different feel of beauty in the same form. Nothing about the sunset is the same from day to day. Clouds are placed differently, the colors blend to form more, or a variety of shades, or just the form of the sun and its rays change and keep the sunset's uniqueness of beauty. It is like taking the beauty of each part of a whole. Tonight I stood in the dark staring at a single white flower, but not the entire thing, just one of the petals. It was something about the lines that created the shape, and everything that made the beauty of the whole. I suppose things are slower for me this summer than I am used to and so I am able to take the time as they say to "stop and smell the flowers". I have done it in the past, but now it is like seeing each part and each detail that work together to create the beauty of the whole. I was beginning to wonder if you could do it in more things of life. Not to see beauty but to create a bigger picture of something small. It would be like combining every event or conversation with a person you have ever had, and having that person form to that. I mean that is what we do. We take what we know to create the parts we don't. or take the smaller details of the person to find the enjoyment that we have with them. The big difference with taking the parts of beauty is that you see the parts as a whole and then break it down, whereas with the having the parts form the whole. It doesn't seem like it would be a difference, but I think that will seeing the beauty, you have to look at the large and love it before you can take and give the parts the appreciation they deserve for the whole.