Friday, May 27, 2005

Mind Fear

I think that I am one of those people that like to create their own fear. I am not scared during movies, or when I honestly should be, but I am scared when I do it to myself. I am afraid of the dark. One of my friends used to tell me that I am not afraid of the dark itself but what is in the dark. I am beginning to think that it is is more what I think is there, that isn't. It is like I create stories about this or that. I am not scared when I see someone out there, or when a murder escaped from jail, but more when I thought I heard someone, or saw something move, most likely the wind. It is like creating your own joy, or sadness. The little things that are in my head scare me the most (well along with roller coasters but that is a different point). I am like the dog that is scared of its own shadow in the glass, but not the dog that could bite its head off, or is twice its size... The little phrases that are said can only add to it... like tonight when my friend was like yeah I am a little scared to because we are next to the interstate. It was just a million thoughts that ran through my head. It is like all of the possibilities that could happen in the dark are happening in my head. Fear is created through the spark in my mind that tells me I am to be afraid, although it isn't so much a fear of nothing, but as a fear finding out (being curious) if there is something more.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

exchanging halves

I have been working on cleaning out my closet and my drawers in my room at my parents house, so that I can unpack all of my things I brought back with me. It is much more effort than I thought. I have so much CRAP! I am seriously getting rid of more of it than I probably should, but I just want to make space. But when I was cleaning out some jewelry boxes, I kept finding old friends, or best, or forever charms. A lot of halves to friendships. It is just interesting to me that I no longer remember who has the other half to more than 7 out of the 10 I found. I don't want to write a lot of things about it because I fear that I might be the one that has changed, but it always seems easier to blame the other person. I would like to say that of the 3 I know who has the other half, I still have communication with the girl, but that isn't the case. It wasn't just in the time that I went to college out of state that I lost connection with these people, it was when we were growing up, just across a small town. I would like to trace back each of the 10 people, that hold the other halves and rekindle the friendship, that once had a necklace, because it was so dear, but there if there was 10 of them, how special were they to me even at the time. One I know who hold the other part would not even think of talking to me know, because I did change. I am sure I have changed since college also, but what about the things that drew us together in the first place. I haven't thought of what I am going to do with all the half friendships I hold. Maybe save them, but probably not. I will probably just remember that if someone I have a connection with, I just should not let them slip away, and that the halves should make a whole more than when the dust is uncovered.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Check it Off the List

I am a planner... I am not going to lie about it... I make lists, for my lists... I draw diagrams of how to place things... I make up schedules... I just have to have things organized, and planned out. It is hard for me to just go and do something unless I have planned the time for it. I should be way better at time management, but the time I don't plan I waste. It just is so frustrating to me when things could along and ruin my plans that I have had set, and written out for far in advance. I just think that the rest of the world needs to be like me and think about it. I will drop all my plans, and schedules if something for someone else comes up, but I just wish that I would not have to. It seems like I am too compromising (a weakness from below) about things like that. I suppose everything works out in the end, and it is probably just a lesson I am suppose to learn, that things work out even if they are not planned, because it is all out of my hands...
I will still plan.... lists will always cover my desk, wall, and head.... I just need to work on not stressing or freaking out about my plans being changed....

Monday, May 09, 2005

Pack Up and Leave

I hate packing! I always have. I don't understand why you would want to "pack" or rather CRAM items that you need into a small space. I usually do it the night before I go anywhere, or usually in the morning I am leaving. That won't be MUCH different this time, except that will just be into the car. I have so many things that I have to get into my car. Some how I have gathered a lot of things in these 9 months. Some of the things I have NO NO NO clue where they came from or how I got them, but over all I have a lot of trash. Items I collect and save with good intentions I am sure.
I really would like to donate everything I have to the needy. The problem with this would be that I would just benefit from it by having to get new things when I get home. It would not be the act of love that I would hope for it to be. I would also benefit from it because I would not have to figure out how to pack everything into things that are later packed into my car. It is like the process of giving to get out of things, which isn't the best of ideas.
So I go back to the dread of packing. I will get it done, just in time to hit the road.

Friday, May 06, 2005


I think that I have come to find that I like the world that begins before noon. It is a different world. I seriously think that at noon, the world changes. In the morning there are less people out. This means lines are shorter, workers are more cheerful, things are just not overall as stressful. Stores are not scattered with the merchandise, they are still on shelves, or racks. One week days, kids are in school, weekends they are sleeping in. I think that the world before noon is just a better world. When I went to the DMV, before noon the line was shorter, and people were not in as much of a hurry, but as the time passed and it was afternoon, the world turned around. When I went to the grocery store around nine am, the crowd were older people, and they would say sorry if they hit you with their carts, which yes this did happen.
All over I have come to find that I enjoy the world before noon, mostly in the citu.