Thursday, August 25, 2005

standing surrounded

I love to be back in the craziness of the city. There is always people moving, always going, and always more things to do than anyone could imagine. Even though I love all of these things about the city, I really have to step back and not be a part of them time and time again. This summer when I was driving truck, I was alone. Most of the time in the car rides out, I was alone. In Wyoming you feel like you are alone more often with all of the open space. It is just like the beauty and sky that goes on forever is with you. I got use to not being with people. I was told I was anti-social this summer, but honestly I was working so much I didn't have time. I did get use to being alone.
I am not having a really hard time with the idea that people are always around. That no matter where I go someone is going to want to go, or there are going to be people there also. It isn't going to be just me driving down the road. I am having a hard time adjusting. I can't even go to the store alone, or to get the mail. I have found enjoyment in staying up late, and getting up early just to be able to spend time with myself. I even got to a point where walking around campus, I keep my head down, and I just stay to myself.
When you are used to being able to do things without the hassle or the presence of someone else, it seems hard to want to be with people again. Not to mention that I haven't been alone for more than about 2 hours unless it is at night, meaning sleeping. I don't get tired of the people just frustrated. I have been able to sit and think about so much this summer. When I am alone my mind has time to process things, and just to wonder. Now I have to focus on other things, and I haven't had much time to think or admire things, because there are so many people everywhere.
I mostly need a place to escape to. I am going to start getting more time alone, one way or another. I just needed more time to slowly adjust. To have a slow process of change back to this. Not a week straight of people and never being alone. I feel like no matter where I go I am surrounded.
Step away when you see me standing there. I am disconnecting from the world.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

rewind the summertime

It is the last night of my summer. Classes officially start tomorrow. It doesn't seem like half of May, all of June and July and the majority of August are completed. It seems like I did a lot of nothing this summer. My summer in review...
End of May: Drove back to Wyoming--- accompanied by friend. Took her to Black Hills, and did the out west activities. 4 wheeling at ranch, and such. Had safety training for my job. Enjoyed the 3 day weekend, but on the last day started work at the mine.
June: The beginning was spent in Newcastle, Wyoming which allowed me to ride a bus out to the mine, and not have to drive during the 5 day- one day off- 6 days- 1 day off, and so forth training time. Once training was finished I then started with my crew, on nights and began to take the hour 15 min one way drive each day. It was nice to be home but the days then started to be 15 hours long.
July: The middle month was spent have a work schedule of 4 nights, 3 off, 3 days, 1 off, 3 nights, 3 off, 4 days, 7 off. I had a lot more days off this month, but when I did it was spent painting the bedroom, or doing things that needed to be done. I was also able to get some sleep and just enjoy the summer days of laying around. One of the weekends off I was able to go down and see my brother in Ft. Collins. It was nice to get into a city again, and like always to spend time with my brother. Might I mention that this was the only time that I went anywhere besides Douglas, Newcastle, or Casper this summer.
August:::: Two works of week, and then on to the Arizona. Have to throw Deer Creek Days into my last and one of two weekends off. I came down here about a week ago in order to get set up, and ready for school. I left the day after I was done working. I should probably have stayed and said some goodbyes, but I just wanted to get moved into my new APT, and try to have a few days of summer. The past week all I was able to do was get things build (YEAH IKEA assemble yourself furniture), and spend time with some friends. Overall it wasn't the most summer days I had, but the past week was a nice way to get back into the city, and settled before things get all crazy again.
I took out my backpack to put my never been used folders and notebooks into, and I was again reminded that summer is closing its door. The days are getting shorter, and the stress level for most is going up. I feel a comfort this year. I am going to work on the stress level, because that is the thing that always seems to get me. I need to just settle down, know that I am organized and work at head or at the pace not behind like normal. Stress is a created thing, so why not just let it all settle and then it won't have to be there at all.
Tomorrow when I pull out my notebook, and my purple pen, I will just have to think--- winter break is coming up...

Sunday, August 07, 2005

creek street drinking

In Wyoming, it seems that things are based around the street and alcohol. This weekend was Deer Creek Days in the town over from mine. It has always been one of summer's events that brings a lot of people into the street. Last night was the annual street dance. When I was able to drive there, of course it was the highlight of my summer. I hadn't been in a few years, and I have to admit, I was not completely ready to go back. It was always the biggest drunk event that I could think of. Minors in the streets with full white cups, middle aged men staring at the young girls in tank tops. Yet each year I went it was a blast to be at. Last night fulfilled each of the events from the previous years. It was the first time all summer that I had seen a lot of people since high school. I reacted to them like I would have any other day. It was fun to be with some that I have had little contact with but enough to keep it a relationship. I suppose that even though I haven't had time to see anyone this summer, there were relationships that I wanted to go back to, and grow back up. Back why not at Deer Creek days. The street dance was a lot of younger kids. That was always the place that I would hang out, but this year I felt out of place, and way to old. The beer garden was where I found that I belonged. It was mostly underaged kids, but that didn't mean that there wasn't enough alcohol to go around. The night went fast. I met some people from a different town, saw a lot of people I knew at one time, and I experienced a form of entertainment in Wyoming. Overall I am still in thought that it should be called Drunk Creek Days, and that more places should support underage drinking in a closed off place like they do.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Yeah I need the size of your age

There is something about having people that are younger than me, help me in stores that makes me feel awkward. In some ways it makes me feel really kinda old, and the other half is that I feel like they are treating me downward. For me it is hard to take a 15 year old girl serious, when she asks me with I need help. She might know more about the store, but I wonder what she needs help with. Then to think that here I am using my credit card, but they are not even able to apply for one. I have had a job since I was 15, but I never thought about what the older people thought about me helping them. I was in customer service within a pharmacy, which is a lot more risker than selling them some clothes. I think that I feel old by it because I just remember having to work from school to work, or having my parents pick me up afterwards. Then it makes me think about how much I have grown up since then. Feeling awkward might just be because I am not used to seeing the younger people, or having them help me. Maybe I just feel like someone older is wiser than me, so they are going to be able to help me better. I am probably just thinking that I don't want these "little kids" judging me. That was what I was super quick to do at their age, so why would they not be passing judgment on me, and the things I am purchasing. I suppose that I should just except the fact that someone younger will be helping me as I get older. I suppose it is just the idea, that someone like them, hasn't been where I am. I will get over it someday, and that someday the younger kids will learn how to not treat people down. It seems like just because I am a teenager they would be able to interact, but it just isn't possible with them. That right there is probably my biggest problem with the whole fact. Each person that helped me, that was younger was not able to look me in the eyes, or be assertive enough to ask the typical questions. Maybe I just expect to much from service I receive, or maybe I have done it so I want to get back a lot. It seems that I might feel old and awkward, but I am mainly placing that on myself, or just the fact that I am seeing myself as older. I know that I will get out of this stage of uncomfort, because soon enough it will be everyone within the work force being younger than me.