as a day might be... lovely

Once a year on this day, I have to let everyone I know how much I love them!
So I LOVE YOU all.

Isn't amazing how St. Valentine did that... got everyone to send cards to each other, eat chocolate, and have candlelit dinners. I am doubting that when he died that was his dream, but you never know. He could have owned Hallmark, Russel Stovers, or the first Melting Pot.

Instead of getting all mushy on you all. I am going to just say what I have said and move on to some new things.

I am going to do a lot more in my life.. like to build more new experiences of my life.
I am just not sure what I am going to do.. Anyone with any ideas, let me know.

I am sure that EVERYONE is wondering how I am doing on my new things I was going to try to do. Let me tell you... I am NOT very good with developing new things into my overly crowded life... I should have made one a way of simplifing my life...
But here is a short of how things are going..
I have NOT waken up early, not even probably one day.
I did 3 doodles... mainly because my class was boring, 3 days in a row.
Saving... will go better when I get my scholarhship.
I HAVE been drinking a lot more water... I honestly feel this just makes me have to pee a lot more... during the night usually... and then I have bad dreams and so on.
No new bands have been discovered (Send me some)
I have 2 more months for a weekend trip! OOO WAIT I planned one! I am going to Wyoming for a weekend in March. Not that exciting but something, and it will be cheap on my pockets.
I heard about Anna Nicole Smith, and the snow storms, and the lady that wore space diaper to kill another lady, and some local killings... somewhat current events I have been reading.
Going to the career fair tomorrow for the intern hunt
I made a card for my boy for today. and a birthday card for a friend... I guess those could count.
I have been studying for a test. Although I know I am not totally focused on school...

I must say I am doing better than I thought I would be. MUCH better!

Well Give someone a hug goodnight, and remember today I love you.

From The Beginning

I have never been one to make New Year Resolutions. But the year is almost a month old now, and these are more like things I would like to accomplish soon. Basically this is my giant to do list!

•Wake up 15 minutes earlier each morning. (Eat Breakfast/ JOURNAL)
•Draw or doodle something every day. (Note to self: New sketch book)
•Dance!
•Save at least 50 bucks a month... Think Australia!
•Drink more water
•Listen to a new band a week.
•Take a weekend trip once every 2-3 months
•Keep up on current events
•Land a summer internship
•Start and FINISH more craft projects
•Focus on school

I basically want to add a bit more to my life... what can I say!

The season of snow

*I hope it snows this week, a snowflake on your cheek would make this Christmas so beautiful*
It is hard to be anything but beautiful. Snow is something that is hard to be explained for me. Frozen water drops, YET each has six sides, and each one is completely different.

I recently was at the mall (a consumer's paradise) and discovered that YES, even in the middle of the desert, with global warming taking place, there is snow. It is simply a powder that you add to water, and like magic you get the look and feel of the real beautiful thing. I was tempted to buy some and try it out for myself, BUT the price tag was about the budget of one person on my list.
I casually passed by, upset at the lame attempt on something so naturally beautiful.
I some how came this fake water-powder, and brought it into my home The difference between this stuff and the white stuff I love was clear. BUT honestly when something smells like plastic, it just doesn't like so beautiful on cheeks, or eyelashes.

In a Blonde Daze

I have blonde hair. I have never dyed my hair blonde, it is all natural. I don't get offended easily and I must say proudly that I do not feel that I fit the stereotypical blonde. But I must admit that I feel like lately I am in a daze... a Blonde daze...

I painted my nails tonight. I only did it because I felt like I should do something that was girlie. This is after I cut out a pattern for the dress I am about to start sewing, and after I ate ice cream out of the carton. I must say that I am not girlie enough for colored nails. It could just be the fact that the color is nothing short of a shiny purple blue, but I think that it is past this hiatus color choice. I am constantly glancing down at my hands as I am typing because there seems to be something on them, or the keys but no it is just the color is a distraction.

I also finished a book to day. I might have to mention that it was about a oyouknow 7th grade reading level. BUT it was about a girl in college. The problem it was the 3rd in a series and I can't wait for number 4, which is a work in progress at this time. I also finished this journal type of novel in o about 3 days, and one of those I was working. I guess I can't explain the entire book, because it would prove that it was about a sex driven college aged girl that even have graduation from Columbia (in NYC) had no idea what she wanted to do to her life.

I am dazed. My mind is thinking of that stupid letter that is going to determine my future. It is the one with a return address from ASU. It seems to be arriving in everyone's mailbox but my own. So I daze around trying to keep busy not to think of it, not to wonder if I should actually figure a schedule for next year, or if I should just forget the rest of it. Should I sit in the front yard and chase the mailman when he is driving away if I do not have the letter in my hand.

So until I will sit and stay in a blonde daze and yet still not fit into that STINKIN stereotype.

hand it my way

I don't think that I know the back of my hand very well. It has 14 knuckle type of things, a lot of lines and 5 nails. I am not sure where that expression came from. I mean Honestly if you could draw a picture of the back of your hand and have it look even half way as similar you are my new hero, my best friend. I think that is should be something like the scars on my knee. I got them when I was 5 years old. But even though I have had them 5 years less than I have the back of my hand, I could tell you about them a lot better. I know that much more than something that is as detailed as the back of a hand.

I hear someone used that phrase, or maybe it was in one of my beloved country songs but either way.... I know it like I know that back of my hand... Needs to be used when you don't know something rather than when you do.

I am shot for interesting thoughts. Shoot some may way if you have some.

Stuck in a Pit behide the wheel and ready to drive off

A coal mine is the one place that I don't feel like I belong, yet for the second summer in a row I find myself behind the wheel of a 240 ton haul truck. I can't say I am excited, however I can say that I need the money. I use the money to continue my education. I also learn to appreciate that my father as done this job for so many years to make life better for me.
The main reason that I feel like I don't belong here is because I long to be doing something creative. I would rather sit and render 20 drawings a day, or pick materials for an entire complex than sit and think about the road conditions, and if I need to slow down to provide more use on my tire.
It feels like I am stuck in a hole, or should I say a pit with the high walls coming down. There isn't anything that can dig me our except that fact that unlike the men and women that do this for a living, I will be able to go back to school and gain knowledge past how a wheel motor works.
I must say that anyone that can do this job for more than a few months has my up most WOW. I am also glad to know that their are those that will dig up this energy source, even if I complain now, I know that when I am sitting in the truck. It is my job and I will do it with the hopes the of future in the front of my mind.

after the rain

In my hometown we have a bike path that runs with the North Platte River. It is a nice escape for the "city life" and into the nature environment- okay really just nice to see the river rushing by, the trees and allow my dog to run without a lease and not get yelled at for stepping onto a lawn.
The other night when I took Gabby down there for a walk, it had just rained on that side of town. (Interesting fact of Wyoming is that the weather is different in every step, it is very independent of itself) The smell of rain and fresh mowed grass was in the air, the entire time after our embarkment.
It was nice to go for a walk after the rain, once I got over the fact that my feet were numb, and bottom of my pants wet. I was able to see where the clouds had lifted and cleared a crystal sky of blue. There was also a half visable rainbow that a step down from the clouds. It was just a sky of beauty.
The path was wet, but the dirt around it was not the mud it normally is. It seems that all the world just came together.
It was an after the rain walk that lead me to see the beauty around me once again.
The setting sun was present when we finished the loop through the park. Even though Gabby did not enjoy the presence of other dogs, and even when she wanted to turn around half way like she always does, it is something to see how even she seems to appreciate the beauty of it all. The place that glory dwells

I sold my soul

I recently created more of a myspace profile, after I said I didn't. I am owned.

I have been thinking that if tomorrow is a brand new day, when what is today when it is finished.

Cheyenne Frontier Days (The DADDY OF THEM ALL) has a lot of big names coming to plan this year. Big name COUNTRY singers, what could be better. What I enjoy most about the idea of Cheyenne Frontier Days is that fact that it is bigger than the Wyoming State Fair. When I had to present my ID to someone in Arizona she asked me about Frontier Days. I was like well I have only marched in a parade for it, never been to it, but it is the BIGGEST celebration of the Old West.
Aww Yes the Fun in WYoming. Drunk Cowboys. Dust and Mud- that dang old rodeo.

Like Degrassi INTENSE!

OKAY OKAY I KNOW! I went to see what happened on the ONE episode that I missed of Degrassi. I just HAD to! But then The N always has dorky quizzes. I thought I would share my results. I thought it was nice to be an indie film. I mean next I might send you a Degrassi video postcard! O YEAH it GOES THERE!

Wasted Space and Time

I am not going to lie. I am on myspace ( http://www.myspace.com/nelfer) and facebook.

It is a waste of time. Both sites. It does give people a part of me but these pages don't really show exactly who I am. They give parts and pieces but really a false image overall. I spend some wasted time on myself today. Just looking at people's pages. Thinking that I will waste time doing this again and again.

so overall it these sites have millions of members and visitors to them each day. When I would go to the library or the computer lab that is what most people would be looking at. I am not sure that I would say I am that into. I am pretty embarrassed to look at my page or anyone else's in public. I could be called a closet myspacer. I will use it on my own computer but that is all. I haven't added fancy colors, or songs to my page. I just try to keep things simple.

One day I tried to delete my page. It was to hard, I got sucked in to looking at my friends. I wanted to know what everyone was up to. I just don't like giving people a part of me. I want them to know ALL of me. I do tell things, and I do show myself. But it isn't like you can really get the person I am from a few things I like, and a few I don't.

I hate when people tell you who they think they are. I am sure that I do this, but I just can't stand it. I am a down to earth girl who loves to hug trees. It is like telling people that they need to see these characteristics in you that you think you have.

But what can I say. I am attached to knowing that someone might have left me a comment, or that I can see who is doing what. Overall I can just say that I am into it. I will waste much time with it. But I will work on showing more of who I am and not tell who I am

focal restart

The time has pasted, and I am here again. I bring myself back to a place of comfort when things start to change. Back to a place where I can change a face, and let the time that has slipped by be left in place. I can pick up right where I left off, because my writing doesn't change, just the person that is writing it has.

Summer is coming. I assume I will be writing more to pass the time. It does feel that time sits still when I write, but the clock never fails me to change the hands around. A normal occurrence when you are in a comfortable place.


I changed the background, because I am much simpler than the green. It was overpowering the person that needs to shine through. That is something I am a lot more aware of these days, who to let what needs to shine through, come through.

I went shopping today. I don't have money to spend, and with the credit cards bills piling up, was it truly something I needed to do. But I went just the same. I was waiting in the dressing room, where a girl had a shirt and was trying to find the perfect top for it. It was a stripped shirt, lots of layers of cloth, but simple colors. She tried a white shirt on with it, and then a tan one the same style. I noticed that the white was to bright for the shirt, it took away from the already busy shirt that should have been the eye catching factor. She asked me what color I liked better, and I told her what I thought. She was like thanks that is a great point, I love this shirt and want people to notice it over my top that needs to just be simple.

I think that I do that a lot. I forget what is most important, I draw a lot of sparkle and flash into the smaller things trying to make them just as important, but truth is things do need to stand out.

I purchased a shirt today. It is pot-a-dot of all bright colors. The back is open with the top and bottom connecting. You need to just where a tank top under it. I was think about when I was buying it how the tank top would bring out whatever color I felt was the most important at the time. It was just a simple shirt, but it will focus more attention.

I have learned about emphasis in design. It is drawing the attention to a specific area, or feature. It can be done in many ways, just like it can be done in life. I feel that with the white simple background. My writing is the most important part.

Glances through a straw

As I sit and drink the world through a straw, I see my life in clear view. Above my desk I have magnetic strips on which I keep important paper, or things I will loose if they are not right in front of me. I was leaning back admiring all my life. I noticed what I had up there, and couldn't help but think that it was my life.
It is colorful. organized, easy to see when something is wrong, and it is full of expressions. There are many different colors that encompass the wall. Organized in the fact that the things I need to look at the most are right by my monitor and then things I don't need to notice as often are farther away. It is easy to see when something is out of date, or not in the location it once was, or if I have forgotten something it is easy to see that I should have taken it. Expression of my life. Up there is my class schedule, spring break plane details, contact information for organizations, the portfolio information for ASU and CSU, a few photos of friends, 25 dollars to Amazon, plus a few other coupons to local places. It is my life in front of me.
I am not sure what I share it like I do, or if it helps to give me the feeling I know who exactly I am, when I really don't/ Perhaps it is the fact that I am "freakishly" organized and having things at a glance help to keep me motivated. The only thing is I am not sure.
I am not sure if I could drink my world through a straw. The chunks of worry might get in the way.
Worry that I won't find my class, miss my plane, forget to contact someone about an event, NOT GET INTO UPPER DIVISION, or know what to spend my gift on.
I suppose I won't open the umbrella until it starts to rain.... or I won't suck harder until I know there is a chunk in the straw.

12 months..12 minutes

Looking back on 2005 seems like a way to reflect and really come to see what happened in a year...

Jan---
Thought about how it was a New Year, and much like the Death Cab for Cutie song, I didn't feel any different. It was the weeks of wasting away in Wyoming, wearing snowpants for about 2 weeks straight until it was back to school time.

Feb--
Really started into the overwhelming time of 2nd semester at a huge university. I tutored preschoolers, and fell into the thoughts of feeling for others.

March--
Figured I should step up my school, and get more into my classes. Went back to Wyoming for a week, at Spring Break to snow and preschoolers. Found out that I was getting better at drawing, but it was still a skill that I needed to work on. I know in 2006 know that I still need to work on it.

April--
Started the first "romantic relationship" of college. Discovered that allergies are a year round event in Arizona, and that meds are the only way to not want to rip your eyes out or to be able to get through things..

May--
Finished the first year of university from Arizona State! Look back on dorm life with the feeling of NEVER going back. Took a week break and began training for a summer job...

June-July-beginning of August
Days and Nights spent in a rotating shift work schedule of driving haul drive at a coal mine. Learned to sit for hours, and drive in circles. I figured out how my mind wonders but was also able to have some time that focused thoughts that helped my mind grow with ideas of future products.

Late August
Returned to Tempe for 3 semester at ASU. Moved into an APT, and build a room of IKEA furniture. Discovered more than I would have liked to about what an organized freak I am. The dreaded semester began...

Sept-Oct-Nov-Mid Dec
Consumed my self with school. Did hours of drafting and drawing. Built first projects that were 3D. Discovered that people were dropping the major because of the dedication it took. I was remind that I was passionate about design, and thing it could do..

Late Dec
Spent my time on my parents couch in Wyoming. Covered with a red and green blanket, and a remote in hand. Got out with friends a max of 5 times... thought about doing something, but truly lacked motivation


2005 was a year that brought more to my life that I could think of. I did have experiences that affected my life, and changed how I thought of things. I saw how the earth was being used at the coal mine and how it needs to be helped or it will quickly become nothing.
I discovered how easy it is to fall off the planet, or at least one person's plant. It is like hiding yourself into something and knowing that it will be something different.



I took time this break to read some of my old journals. It was interesting to see the person that I came from. I know I am the same with just things different. I have grown out of a lot of things, interests, or ideas. I also found that things are much the same with my habits and feelings. When I am busy I am happy, because I feel like I am needed and useful. It is also like I used to write, or create something for hours and loose track of everything, I still do this.
One year might not change a lot in my life, but it sure does give me a lot to look forward too...


2006 seems to be the year of surprises for me... being excited about trusting

This is the New year.... explosions off in the distance... problems with easy solution...

Holiday spills

Christmas is in the air... I can feel it now... I leave Arizona tomorrow and head back home. Something I have experienced lately though is how holidays can feel for those less fortunate.
I helped out at the Holiday Fun Festival this past Saturday. I got there early and helped inflate a ton of balloons to make an arch, and about a ton more for them to let go. (I was completely against this idea, I mean the birds tangled in strings, and the trash it would put back on the ground...but past that) As the song ended and the balloons flew into the air, all the children in the crowd cheered and had the smile on their faces like I would for my best Christmas gift. I then helped the children make Christmas cards. The older girls would read my nametag and yell Spanish at me. I would responded with I don't speak Spanish handing them the exact pattern they had asked me for. Then I was taking to one lady who had brought her nephew to the event. I asked this little boy if he would like to make a Christmas tree. The lady told me the only ones he had ever seen were in stores, or around town, never in his home. I gave a card for this boy, and a card for herself. The boy grabbed a different card from my hand. His smile when he took it was better than the balloons in the air. He hit at me and I tickled him. His aunt told me that she had never seen him open up to a stranger like that before. With the stolen card in his hand, he opened his arms wide and reach up to hug me. All he said was thank you, and then he grabbed my neck as I leaned down.
Things I have learned this holiday season---- mainly from attending events like A lighted boat parade, Zoolights, Holiday Fun Fest, and donated food, and my time are
-electricity costs more than the tree, and a tree without lighted bulbs isn't a Christmas Tree.
-Children, ages 3-5, enjoy Hot Chocolate-- not the special kind made for adults
-Sometimes 6 cans of Cranberry Sauces, and 8 cans of asparagus is to much to put into one food box.
-People want to pay you back if you have done something for them.
-If a kid doesn't see there dad much, he is still going to be the one that the Christmas card is made to.
-Buying a gift for one of the names that hangs on the tree might not change the world, but it can change the world of that one child who got a gift for Christmas.
-Traditions are for those who have had a past that is worth remembering
-Balloons flying in the air might be something I am against, but it sure can make a crowd cheer.
-Holiday shoppers don't care if you found the right gift, if they have it first.
-Students stress more about finals when they don't have to worry about getting home for Christmas, of if their plane will be delay due to snow.
-Everything tastes better in green and red
I have really learned that no matter the circumstances of the family, or person everything will be set aside so holidays can be celebrated.
One thing I have also come to find it is that knitting is done best when a Christmas movie is playing and hot chocolate is on the stove...

"Time to Say it , Time to Say it...Goodbye, Goodbye"

It is one of the hardest things to loose someone from your life. It is something when they are your age, and not just an elderly person you knew.

Time to say it...
I have memories with these people. I have regrets of how I treated them. I know there are a thousand things I could have done for them, but never did. But I also have the funny memories, and the times that will live on through the photographs-- I miss that time!

Time to say it...
I feel like I should be someone else right now. I should be in the place that I grew up, the place that reminds me of them, with the people that need a shoulder to cry on. It is time to say that I should have put school, and money to the side and gone to Wyoming. I feel today that I should be somewhere else. I couldn't even handle going to my afternoon class.

Goodbye, Goodbye
Goodbye to my friends. Goodbye.


It is more real today than since I heard. It is real that I don't be able to hear Casey's laugh, or Josh truck driving in front of my house. It is real that people are saying their goodbyes, and having closure in the town that raised us all.

Spillover DTR

I am in the middle of studying for a test that I have on Thursday, in my Leisure and the Quality of Life class. (Side Note) It is a recreation credit that counts towards my minor of tourism. I was just reviewing the benefit factors of having leisure in one's life. I was trying to look at people I knew and relate them to the different categories in order to remember them better. It made me look at how I am living. I am totally emerged in school. It is leisure for me though. I can reach the level of "flow". It is a right side of the brain activity, and it is one of my favorite, so it is a good thing that I am spending a lot of time with it.
This is the type of work you want to have, one that overlaps with your leisure. My problem with this is that I don't feel like I have a lot of anything else. Reading about the Spill of theory: where my work and leisure are basically equal, I know that I will be able to each eudaimonia (a full life lived well that has each of the partial goods-- bodily, social, wealth, external, pleasure, soul). I suppose that I just need to work on staying active, and "playing games".
It is something to think about though, just working on balancing more leisure into one's life. I never thought of it as more than "free time" before since I am totally into school, and school work.

Something else I have been thinking about a lot is how people define relationships. DTR-define the relationship. I am beginning to think that it is totally something that everyone should do, because it tells you want the other person thinks of the relationship, where it should be going for them, or they want it to go, and also it just helps to rebuild trust. I am beginning to think that it would be more helpful for friendships than "romantic" relationships. If you were to sit with a friend and talk about your relationship, parts that need to be worked on, or even the parts you enjoy- that friendship is going to be one that grows a lot more than one that hasn't one that but just struggles through the differences, and fights.
The disadvantage of DTRs is when the people don't see the relationship that same way, it can end the relationship all together, or get them on the same page. It is overall a plan. So have a DTR today!

weekend above

This weekend I should have been doing homework like crazy... In fact I should still be doing it right now... BUT I am not. I figure I have a good start on it, and in fact I am doing well with it.
I don't usually give details of my life, but I want to share my weekend, not that I don't have something to say about each thing I did... so it really is more of a reflection on the weekend just the same...

Friday night...
I skipped my first class.... I am still amazed that I did it. I doubt that I missed anything, yet I don't know if I did or didn't.. I just know that once you miss one, it is easier to miss another... BUT I am not going to do that. I know I won't.
I skipped for the reason that if you went to the fair before 5 it was 5 bucks... Yes that is correct the Arizona State Fair. I am still not sure what I thought about it. It was like the Wyoming one that I am used to. The main difference was the size of course. The rides still looked like they were going to kill an innocent child, and I am sure the carnies smelt the same. The vendors were selling the same things, except there was a much more south of the boarder here, Wyoming is more Cowboy. I was very upset about the petting zoo. It was all exotic animals. The poor ones that will never be able to live on their own. I was okay, until we got to the last animal, it was a Kangaroo. It was laying there like a baby bird that had fallen. Misery was all over its body. The muscles in its legs were hardly developed. I must say the "Trip to the Farm" was a good experience for city kids. It was unrealistic but it gave a good idea of animals, even if goats were the focus animal. I watched some Native American dances... and pig races. The entire time I was having empathy for the animals. It was hard to not let them all get out an run.
We then went over to my "old lady" friend's house. She is an amazing woman, and her husband and her are so welcoming. It was such a good time to spend time with her, and just talk to someone like a grown-up and not be treated like a child. Her husband took my boy, and had him watch football--- the kitchen was for women. A game of dominos, a bowl of ice cream later we were back on the way down home.

SATURDAY:::
After about four hours of sleep, I got myself redressed, and went off to meet up with some friends. We then made a quick stop for some coffee and donuts, and then it was off to the HOT AIR BALLOON SHOW. I must admit this was my favorite part of the weekend. I took a ton of pictures, and in Nov. I will post some (my flickr space for Oct. is full). There were about 40-50 balloons in the sky at once. It was just not a site you get to see often. We watched from the side of the road, and didn't get to go up into a basket or anything, but was just something to experience. I am not sure why it was so awesome, but it totally was. It really made me want to do something adventurous. (more on this... once I can share photos)
I then came back for a nap...
I didn't feel like doing homework all day and night, SO I then totally went to dinner with my boy. It was at a Mexican Restaurant that I had a buy one get one free meal at. It was decent... The exciting part of the meal, was when my little baby cockroach friend joined us on the table... We then questioned with we were eating, but both of us cleaned our plates. We then drove to get ice cream, at my favorite ice cream place ever. It is called the Sugar Bowl. It has been around for about 50 years. We were eating our ice cream, and just enjoying the talking of the older people in the place. It was funny when 3 ladies sat across from us, and complained about almost everything. One was saying how it brought back memories like crazy because that is where for grandma would take her. It still feels like you are in the 50's when you enter into the pink palace!
Thinking that I really should get some homework one, I rented "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" I have been wanting to see it since it came out. I read the book about 5 years ago, but I just recently read the 3rd Summer. It was similar to the book, and I was not disappointed. It left out some details that were important for the sequels, but I doubt they will have movies of the others. I got work done, and I still was able to do something that I didn't feel totally lame for a Saturday night.

SUNDAY:::
Church this morning, lunch with college group.... homework..

Can I tell you that I am going to go and finish reading "The Perks of Being a Wallflower". It is a really good book. Young Adult Section. It is a quick read, and it really makes you think that you don't understand everything about the pain that people have in them. You just don't understand unless you are them.... I suggest it. Makes you think about the shy kid in your classes and why they did what they did. I guess it helps you to want to reach out more...

I will post pictures, and a paper on my hometown soon..
I am going to the Ace of Hearts for Halloween... really for Fall Festival, because that is all I am doing for tomorrow night, maybe wear it while I do homework... It is a super cute then! My roomie is the Ace of Spades!

When the rain comes

It rained. It finally did. I had my window open last night and I just listened to it as I fell asleep. I thought it was going to rain more today, and it did. I love the rain, so I didn't take my umbrella just my rain jacket. As I waited for the bus to come there was a steady stream of rain, and then it started to pour down when I could see the bus down the road. I was soaked when I finally got onto the bus. the bus had the AC on, pointed right at the sit I choose to sit in. Much to say it doesn't seem like a day to get warm after you get wet.

I love to listen to Third Day's song "When the Rain Comes" each and every time it rains. I think it adds to the experience of the rain falling.

There was a rainbow yesterday. the colors were so true. You could see each and everyone of them.

The rain makes me look to the sky more often. It is so cloudy now, compare to normal, and you can see beauty. It isn't the crystal clear life that seems to be made. My fascination for the sky comes back, because when there are clouds, or rain... anything but blue it adds to it. I could sit and watch it for hours.

I punched God in the face

I punched God in the face....
The thing is I have done it more than once.
The amazing thing is...
He comes back for more...
It is like he blocks each and every punch I throw.


I think think about this sometimes... Think about how hard it would be to forgive someone that punched you in the face, because MAN that would stinking HURT!
I then thing of the marks it would leave... The bruises and scars maybe even a broken nose...
Blood or cuts...

I am glad I don't get punched in the face... It is an awful thing... yet I punch God in the face...
and He comes back for more... never leaving my life...

"Black Boogers"

Pushing the strap of the clean vinyl lunchbox back onto my shoulder, I reach for the door handle of expectations. My mind is racing as I re-read the sign: Training In Session.. 1-2-3, I count in my head; fighting heavy eyelids, I open my green eyes. Yellow hardhats sat on the tables in front of backbreaking chairs. I breathe out with a sigh, and choose a chair, knowing it will be my fate for the next twelve and a half hours. The indoor-outdoor carpet barely seems suitable to place my new lunchbox on. I fear that I will never find the gray and black box again in the years of coal dust, and dirt that had been packed into it. You can’t tell the original color, or tell if there is carpet there at all. Now that I am seated, I have sleepiness even more.
Against my every intention, I turn around when I hear a mucusy throat cough from behind me. He used every effort he had to smile through his untrimmed gray speckled facial hair. I smile back as I brush my hair from my face, but quickly stare down at the ground. I notice my out-of-the-box steel-toed boots. I follow the ground over to his worn, and steel exposed boots. I am then again reminded I am a beginner. I have no experience; I am merely here thanks to my father and the years he has contributed to this company.
It doesn’t seem like your average summer job for any teenager, but the coalmine was my work site. Around an hour and fifteen minutes from my hometown, at Jacob’s Ranch Mine was where my father helped to get me on. During the summers, the coalmines in the Thunder Basin of Wyoming hire college students to work in the office, clean in the shop, or drive 240-ton haul trucks. When it came down to the money, I choose to drive haul truck. Although my dad works out at the mines, we were placed at different mines owned by the same company. My dad did not like this idea at all. Out at the mine there is a different way of life, and he did not see how his baby girl fit into it. He prepared me by telling me to remember it was only a few months, and through stories I had heard throughout the years. My dad didn’t think that anyone could be completely ready for a job of driving an oversized Tonka truck for a twelve-hour shift, much less be prepared to enter into a coalmine of middle-aged men. After my first day of training, I was not sure I was ready for it either, especially when we could climb around the truck like a toy at an amusement park.
Not being able to reach the top of the tire even on my tiptoes, arm to full extend aids in the process of my stomach acid turning and twisting so much I think it created a pretzel. “Check to make sure all the lugs on are. Run with two missing, unless they are next to each other. Got it, girl?” Todd yells over the top of the engine as he faces the tire, and doesn’t even turn to face me. I nod expecting him to see it, even though I don’t understand the difference. Two is two, isn’t it? He glances over his shoulder. I return an understanding smile back at him. I understand more about Todd than the tire. The wrinkles that his serious smile brings are years of knowledge about this job , of little challenge; it shows the joy of his family on days off, and the hardship his body has endured from the rotational shift work. These are the wrinkles like those I would touch with my finger, as my dad would come in late at night to make sure I was asleep. Staring at a tire of a 240-ton haul truck was not what I wanted to be doing this summer afternoon, but Todd with his skills, and his out going personality brought the day alive for me. I was no longer only a rider in this truck of my fears, but now I was beginning to take the wheel. I still had many days of ride/drive training left, but none of them would be with Todd.
“Hey Jesse, what is that YELLOW hardhat doing in your window?” a scratchy voice comes over the little black box that sits on the dash. A green number, 2075, flashes on the screen, as I turn to see the reaction from a guy I just met about five hours ago. Through his smile, I feel like I can read his thoughts.
“Do you get offended easily?” His gap toothed smile asks. I shake my head no, but wonder why. He reaches for my bright and shiny yellow hardhat. “Well if you are lying, turn and look out the window, not my direction. Impossible for me to be able to just look the other way, when I knew somehow this was going to involve me, and that yellow boundary. As truck 2075 cruised closer, Jesse began to move my hardhat up and down, in and out of his lap. I felt the laugher start with a snort. In the perverted part of my mind, Jesse pretending I was giving him some pleasure captured what this day of ride/drive training seemed to not say.
“ It don’t work like that, buddy. She is too much for you.” 2075 remarks after this awkward scene is presented. I am not thrown by this talk like many other nineteen-year-old girls would be. This would be dinner talk around the table. My brother and I would be talking about whose poop would be the chunkiest, or otherwise the whip cream would be flying through the air. My mom would be pick at whatever the delight was she made that evening, counting the time down to when she could leave the chaos. My dad would just tell us to knock it off, or slam his face back into the book he was reading. It was a story I could share with everyone at the table, and get a laugh out of each self-focused person there.
I experienced the coalmine, before the day I stepped into the training room. My hometown is built around the railroad, and coalmines. The requirements for these jobs are the same; skills that come over time on the job. I grew up in this type of culture with blunt, distasteful talk, much like the “locker room” talk of males. To create a shift at the mine it was usually around seventy-seven people are on at a time. Out of this seventy-seven somewhere between eight and twelve would be women. None of which are lady-like, or could be identified as different from the guys. The men did not look down on the women working there, nor did they treat them any different than each other. The only thing is that it has spread through the community, not been controlled by the metal gates of lockers.
The man of the house are the not only ones with these values of the mine, but the community is not what you would imagine from a small town. Working at the coalmine is a job any people have, because you can get hired on with no experience but make enough money to support your family, plus medical benefits. Out at the mine, I was encouraged to go back to school, not get pregnant until I am married, and to marry for money at least the first time. They men seemed to give me advice like I was their own daughter, since our coworkers become your second family. The men out there did not want a young girl to end up like them, unhappy and having to do a mindless job day after day. More than anyone, my dad did not want me to.
“You got family working out here, girl?” John questions me as we stand like rocks carefully placed in a circle, waiting for the kick-it-to-start-it reused short bus on my last day of work for the summer.
“My dad works at Antelope.” I responded without hesitation. It was the question I had been asked multiply times throughout the summer, it was a no thinking answer by now.
“Bob Curtis, is it?”
“Yes, that is my dad.”
“Farmer Bob. O man, that is what they called him. What does he do out there nowadays?”
“He drives truck.” I am set on my answer. Knowing that this summer, I had the same level of position in this dirt hole that my sixteen-year experienced father still does. I was celebrating my last day of a mind-numbing job of driving twelve and a half hours a day, in half circles. It was the life of a coal miner, something I didn’t want to do the rest of my life, but that I knew many, including those standing in front of me, were submitted to until retirement could reach them.
The wrinkles on their faces, the “miners’ guts”, and the struggling to pay their bills was all they would have to show for the years of hating their job. Looking onto my father’s grease stained jeans, and his dirt smudged face, when I get home, I know that my dad will celebrate with me the fact that I don’t have to work out there with him but will get an education. When I see the wrinkles deeper on his face when he comes home from a twelve-hour day, I will be able to say, “ Someday daddy… someday you won’t have black boogers anymore.”



This was my first english paper this year.... good old Coal Mine....

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LINES
Originally uploaded by jjjanelle.

When I said a while back that school controlled my life, this is why I wasn't kidding. LINES... horizontal lines that get densier and heavier as you go down the paper. In sets of eight with 1/8" between them.
This photo can not show the pain... the thicker lines are just made up of more thinner lines. I suppose you could say after 6 times I would have it by now... but we will see.
I took more photos of them, but I enjoyed this one the best EVEN with the top corners.... at least I don't post a ton of photos of my boyfriend all the time.

I am looking for another job. I applied for some earlier this year, but now I need one more than ever. I love the job I have and I am not goint to quit that, but just maybe a weekend or tues/thurs morn one would be nice. We will see what I can find.

Should be a fun search.... I am thinking Work Study for one reason... I will be able to get the time off I need to because they are based on school schedule.. YEAH!

park my mind

I went to the Coyotes games last night. It is the NEW NHL preseason. We sat lower level, and the tickets were free. It was interesting how being that close to the ice, and everything it wasn't any colder than and air conditioned building anywhere else. The NEW NHL has a few more rules. The Coyotes lost, but that was alright because there was a lot of fights, well not a lot but enough to make it count.
The only downfall of going to this game was the fact that it was WAY WAY WAY far away. I thought I had actually gone to far, and pasted the exit. When I had thought this, it was only about 5 miles more. The bonus to having to go so far was okay because I got on one interstate and went.
When we got there, parking was free (added bonus) and there was a shuttle to the gate (even though we ended up walking back to the car after the game because it wasn't that far at all).
Between periods I wanted to go and look around the building. I wanted to see how this place was designed. I must say the women's bathroom had good design! We then discovered a rather large model of sorts. Looking at it I wasn't clear what it was, then I heard a man tell his son that this was how it was going to look soon. Come to find out they are finding the Cardinals stadium up there, along with a LARGE shopping center, a conference center, and more. A hotel section, residential and parking spaces to hold enough for the 2 stadiums.
At first I was glad that they were having combined parking, so that our land doesn't have to be a paved place, but really one the way back I didn't see the need for the shopping center plus. There was so much of that one the way back down the interstate.
Urban Sprawl is all that Phoenix is, but I didn't see why they had to this complex. It was an under developed land, but so is much of the land around the city. They are even planning on moving the interstate to accommodate this new WestWridge (think that is what it was called) project. The building designs seemed to be structural pleasing, but why not do the residential place unto of the shops, instead of a completely new area. The shopping area is outside shops, which is good for AC purposes, but still has a water feature. I thought we were in the desert in a drought, but what pleases people is water so why not please them, so the spend more money.

There was a lot more that could be done with this to make it create less urban sprawl, but I suppose the bright side is the parking.

thanks for reading

When I was leaving class today, a guy held the door open for me. Without thinking about it I said thank you. He seemed surpised, but replied with a you are welcome....
This as really gotten me thinking about how much the little we say go unnoticed, or are not said at all anymore. When I walk in front of someone that is looking for an item on a shelf at a store, I say excuse me. When I am dropped off by the bus, I say thank you. I suppose these are my small town roots coming forth, but still it seems that no one says them anymore.
There is the boy I tutor, and he always stays a little after to much sure everything is cleaned up. I have never asked him to, but yet he gives up some of this time to do it. I tell him thank you each time, but I don't think those words express that I really am glad he stayed to help me. Yet everything I thank him, his eyes light up, and he smiles without a response.
It makes me wonder if he ever hears these words. Does his mom tell him thanks when he has cleaned up after dinner? Will he know that the words are simple but yet true.
I remembering having to be reminded to say thank you, or please when I asked for something when I was little. It was pounded into me. I now catch myself saying "how do you ask" or "tell her thank you" as we walk away from something. Not just with little kids, but my peers. It seems this is the way to get these phases unforced from your mouth.


I will probably post the paper I wrote for my english class, soon. It is poorly written if you ask me, but it reflects on my experience this summer. I know that this summer I didn't write to highly of it, so it might be a way to look back on it with a bit more reflection. (my english class is called "Writing Refective Essays")

white towel

It doesn't seem like the end of September already, and the thought that I have not blogged yet this month is out of my mind.

School has taken over my life.

I thought about writting the other day when I was hit with this amazing insite about something new, yet I didn't.

It is fall right now, at least everywhere else it is. The leaves will be changing soon, but only the sun rays will fall here. More than anything right now I have been experiencing the fact that I miss the isolated land. We went swimming the other night,when the stars should be out, we counted about seven. I saw the sky, when the smog broke through just a second. The grass was wet the other morning, no mistaking sprinklers for dew.

Maybe this is why I am not so worried about school taking over my life.
There isn't beauty of the nature... so with my school work I have to create the beauty of the moment---drafting, drawing----

It doesn't seem like the end of September already, and the thought that I have not blogged yet this month is out of my mind.

School has taken over my life.

I thought about writting the other day when I was hit with this amazing insite about something new, yet I didn't.

It is fall right now, at least everywhere else it is. The leaves will be changing soon, but only the sun rays will fall here. More than anything right now I have been experiencing the fact that I miss the isolated land. We went swimming the other night,when the stars should be out, we counted about seven. I saw the sky, when the smog broke through just a second. The grass was wet the other morning, no mistaking sprinklers for dew.

Maybe this is why I am not so worried about school taking over my life.
There isn't beauty of the nature... so with my school work I have to create the beauty of the moment---drafting, drawing----

standing surrounded

I love to be back in the craziness of the city. There is always people moving, always going, and always more things to do than anyone could imagine. Even though I love all of these things about the city, I really have to step back and not be a part of them time and time again. This summer when I was driving truck, I was alone. Most of the time in the car rides out, I was alone. In Wyoming you feel like you are alone more often with all of the open space. It is just like the beauty and sky that goes on forever is with you. I got use to not being with people. I was told I was anti-social this summer, but honestly I was working so much I didn't have time. I did get use to being alone.
I am not having a really hard time with the idea that people are always around. That no matter where I go someone is going to want to go, or there are going to be people there also. It isn't going to be just me driving down the road. I am having a hard time adjusting. I can't even go to the store alone, or to get the mail. I have found enjoyment in staying up late, and getting up early just to be able to spend time with myself. I even got to a point where walking around campus, I keep my head down, and I just stay to myself.
When you are used to being able to do things without the hassle or the presence of someone else, it seems hard to want to be with people again. Not to mention that I haven't been alone for more than about 2 hours unless it is at night, meaning sleeping. I don't get tired of the people just frustrated. I have been able to sit and think about so much this summer. When I am alone my mind has time to process things, and just to wonder. Now I have to focus on other things, and I haven't had much time to think or admire things, because there are so many people everywhere.
I mostly need a place to escape to. I am going to start getting more time alone, one way or another. I just needed more time to slowly adjust. To have a slow process of change back to this. Not a week straight of people and never being alone. I feel like no matter where I go I am surrounded.
Step away when you see me standing there. I am disconnecting from the world.

rewind the summertime

It is the last night of my summer. Classes officially start tomorrow. It doesn't seem like half of May, all of June and July and the majority of August are completed. It seems like I did a lot of nothing this summer. My summer in review...
End of May: Drove back to Wyoming--- accompanied by friend. Took her to Black Hills, and did the out west activities. 4 wheeling at ranch, and such. Had safety training for my job. Enjoyed the 3 day weekend, but on the last day started work at the mine.
June: The beginning was spent in Newcastle, Wyoming which allowed me to ride a bus out to the mine, and not have to drive during the 5 day- one day off- 6 days- 1 day off, and so forth training time. Once training was finished I then started with my crew, on nights and began to take the hour 15 min one way drive each day. It was nice to be home but the days then started to be 15 hours long.
July: The middle month was spent have a work schedule of 4 nights, 3 off, 3 days, 1 off, 3 nights, 3 off, 4 days, 7 off. I had a lot more days off this month, but when I did it was spent painting the bedroom, or doing things that needed to be done. I was also able to get some sleep and just enjoy the summer days of laying around. One of the weekends off I was able to go down and see my brother in Ft. Collins. It was nice to get into a city again, and like always to spend time with my brother. Might I mention that this was the only time that I went anywhere besides Douglas, Newcastle, or Casper this summer.
August:::: Two works of week, and then on to the Arizona. Have to throw Deer Creek Days into my last and one of two weekends off. I came down here about a week ago in order to get set up, and ready for school. I left the day after I was done working. I should probably have stayed and said some goodbyes, but I just wanted to get moved into my new APT, and try to have a few days of summer. The past week all I was able to do was get things build (YEAH IKEA assemble yourself furniture), and spend time with some friends. Overall it wasn't the most summer days I had, but the past week was a nice way to get back into the city, and settled before things get all crazy again.
I took out my backpack to put my never been used folders and notebooks into, and I was again reminded that summer is closing its door. The days are getting shorter, and the stress level for most is going up. I feel a comfort this year. I am going to work on the stress level, because that is the thing that always seems to get me. I need to just settle down, know that I am organized and work at head or at the pace not behind like normal. Stress is a created thing, so why not just let it all settle and then it won't have to be there at all.
Tomorrow when I pull out my notebook, and my purple pen, I will just have to think--- winter break is coming up...

creek street drinking

In Wyoming, it seems that things are based around the street and alcohol. This weekend was Deer Creek Days in the town over from mine. It has always been one of summer's events that brings a lot of people into the street. Last night was the annual street dance. When I was able to drive there, of course it was the highlight of my summer. I hadn't been in a few years, and I have to admit, I was not completely ready to go back. It was always the biggest drunk event that I could think of. Minors in the streets with full white cups, middle aged men staring at the young girls in tank tops. Yet each year I went it was a blast to be at. Last night fulfilled each of the events from the previous years. It was the first time all summer that I had seen a lot of people since high school. I reacted to them like I would have any other day. It was fun to be with some that I have had little contact with but enough to keep it a relationship. I suppose that even though I haven't had time to see anyone this summer, there were relationships that I wanted to go back to, and grow back up. Back why not at Deer Creek days. The street dance was a lot of younger kids. That was always the place that I would hang out, but this year I felt out of place, and way to old. The beer garden was where I found that I belonged. It was mostly underaged kids, but that didn't mean that there wasn't enough alcohol to go around. The night went fast. I met some people from a different town, saw a lot of people I knew at one time, and I experienced a form of entertainment in Wyoming. Overall I am still in thought that it should be called Drunk Creek Days, and that more places should support underage drinking in a closed off place like they do.

Yeah I need the size of your age

There is something about having people that are younger than me, help me in stores that makes me feel awkward. In some ways it makes me feel really kinda old, and the other half is that I feel like they are treating me downward. For me it is hard to take a 15 year old girl serious, when she asks me with I need help. She might know more about the store, but I wonder what she needs help with. Then to think that here I am using my credit card, but they are not even able to apply for one. I have had a job since I was 15, but I never thought about what the older people thought about me helping them. I was in customer service within a pharmacy, which is a lot more risker than selling them some clothes. I think that I feel old by it because I just remember having to work from school to work, or having my parents pick me up afterwards. Then it makes me think about how much I have grown up since then. Feeling awkward might just be because I am not used to seeing the younger people, or having them help me. Maybe I just feel like someone older is wiser than me, so they are going to be able to help me better. I am probably just thinking that I don't want these "little kids" judging me. That was what I was super quick to do at their age, so why would they not be passing judgment on me, and the things I am purchasing. I suppose that I should just except the fact that someone younger will be helping me as I get older. I suppose it is just the idea, that someone like them, hasn't been where I am. I will get over it someday, and that someday the younger kids will learn how to not treat people down. It seems like just because I am a teenager they would be able to interact, but it just isn't possible with them. That right there is probably my biggest problem with the whole fact. Each person that helped me, that was younger was not able to look me in the eyes, or be assertive enough to ask the typical questions. Maybe I just expect to much from service I receive, or maybe I have done it so I want to get back a lot. It seems that I might feel old and awkward, but I am mainly placing that on myself, or just the fact that I am seeing myself as older. I know that I will get out of this stage of uncomfort, because soon enough it will be everyone within the work force being younger than me.

far in the future

I want to escape the future. It seems that is the thing that everyone is focusing on. Yes, I was excited to get things done for the future, but I am not talking about the future of a month. I am excited for that close of one. I am just not so excited about the future of what are you doing next summer. There is so much determining that that I am not at all sure. I have to apply to my program, and I am planning on applying to more than just one school. If I don't get into Arizona's program, I want to spend the summer in the place that I am going to live, where ever that might be. Where will I be, I have no idea. I guess I like to think about the future when I am certain about it. I like to think about all things I am certain about. Isn't that a much more comfortable thing to do. I am not so sure that I want to worry about the future of next summer until at least first semester is over. Maybe we can just hang out and rest our minds. Isn't that what would be awesome to do on the future. I am not certain about it, and I might not be until it happens. I didn't pick a college the first time around until a week before graduation. I don't think that I need to hurry it again. I have a year at least this time, and a lot more things that will help me to decide. I just need to clear my mind, let it rest, rest on things that I can see not things I can't picture in my head yet.

far in the future

I want to escape the future. It seems that is the thing that everyone is focusing on. Yes, I was excited to get things done for the future, but I am not talking about the future of a month. I am excited for that close of one. I am just not so excited about the future of what are you doing next summer. There is so much determining that that I am not at all sure. I have to apply to my program, and I am planning on applying to more than just one school. If I don't get into Arizona's program, I want to spend the summer in the place that I am going to live, where ever that might be. Where will I be, I have no idea. I guess I like to think about the future when I am certain about it. I like to think about all things I am certain about. Isn't that a much more comfortable thing to do. I am not so sure that I want to worry about the future of next summer until at least first semester is over. Maybe we can just hang out and rest our minds. Isn't that what would be awesome to do on the future. I am not certain about it, and I might not be until it happens. I didn't pick a college the first time around until a week before graduation. I don't think that I need to hurry it again. I have a year at least this time, and a lot more things that will help me to decide. I just need to clear my mind, let it rest, rest on things that I can see not things I can't picture in my head yet.

finally full

I finished my class schedule today. I know it seems late, but the thing was that I really wanted to tutor at a certain place and my classes were not allowing me to do this. I thought I would wait until the drop date for not paying tuition. Turns out I got things figured out, and I am just going to have to tutor 2 afternoons a week, and pick up something else also. My problem was that I was just so frustrated with this. It was probably half way due to the fact that I just got off night shift, and didn't sleep at all today. I just hate wasting the days. I got a lot accomplished, so now I just have to hope that I enjoy the classes I got, or just suffer through them. For some reason actually being a full time student, accepting your financial aid, sending a check for your APT rent, and getting at least 8 hours a week of a job makes you feel a lot more ready for school. A thrill of excitement entered me today when it happened. Doing all these things so late in the summer just help me to know that I wasn't going to be working at the mine forever. It was the settling sound of only 11 days (really 3 nights, 8 days) left out there, before my car is packed to the max and headed south. I am not going to look back on my summer just yet, because I still have an actual weekend left that I have off. I think that makes it a lot easier to know a lot of things. I have a lot of thoughts on it, but I will save them a few more weeks.
I doubt that I will delay to do things for my classes again. I am a jr. by credits so I should have been able to get into a lot higher standing classes. I do have a lot of time between my classes, but I am hoping to use it for study and work time. It will help me to get things done, when I have to. It seems like only taking 13 hours I will have a lot of time, but I suppose with 2 jobs I am going to pick up, and the fact of 2 studios in those 13 things will be crazy like always.
I am a full time registered, paid, and ready to go back student.

maybe it is an overactive bladder

I recently found a notebook that had fallen behind my drawers. Now this is not surpising because I am a writer, but my thoughts are so rambled that I usually have more than one journal at a time going. This notebook was however not just mine. It was yet again other things from when I was 14, a best friend's notebook. We kept it to remember things that we did, or to just have something to look back on when we went to college. I must say that it brought back some really fun times that now I don't think I would remember without it, but one thing really caught my attention. I used to talk about peeing on people's faces. If I was upset at someone, or someone did something to me I would just be like alright I am going to PEE ON THEIR FACE.... Now I am not going to lie, I still say this occasional, ALTHOUGH it is not even a fourth of what I used it. I really is a good idea though. That would seriously be the grossest thing I think you could go through. It would be up there with having your body stretched until it was completely out of shape (okay maybe not but still). I just can not imagine doing it to someone. Being a girl I would have to stand over them, probably even squat, just to be able to get it close to their face. Then just the idea that they would HOPEFULLY have their eyes closed, but still. I know that I might have said it but the idea and the visual picture I get are just not a good idea. I think this is one thing that I am going to work on not staying anymore. It might have to go to the idea that I am going to kick them in the face. Although not at all as gross, I still would not be able to kick anyone in the face, but it sounds more threatening, if you were to ask me. The thing I like about phrases such as "I am going to pee on your face" is that people will give you that you are a crazy look, and not talk to you anymore. It is just a conversation ender, and a way to keep people wondering about you.
Making people wonder about you is something that I want to work on. I hate being told that I am easy to read. I am sure that I am, but still I want to have a mystery about me. I want people to wonder, and not just think that she said something like that to freak us out. I can't tell you why I did say that, but I did, and I did a lot. I suppose I want people to wonder about me because that makes you want to spend more time with someone, if you are a constantly wondering what they will think of next. I guess that is a way of not sharing your entire self right away either. I guess if I keep finding or thinking back to my 14 year old days then I would surprise myself a lot more. I don't remember things or see how they affected me until I am 5 years older.
I still need to think of something to say when I am really upset, because I don't think I want to use "Pee on their faces" anymore.

accomplish impact

Lately I have this strong desire to accomplish something. I feel like I have to be able to check something off my list, to feel like I have done something that day. Having this mind set is good for getting things done, but it is often the times that I become grouchy, and I loose relationships. I really do have a lot of things that are not getting done, because I have been so cross tracked. That is the one thing that I can not stand about being in Wyoming and a small town. I hate going somewhere, anywhere and not getting out of there for at least 20 minutes, because there was someone there that wanted to talk to you. That is the hardest thing for me, and one of the things I love most about the city. I love being anonymous, in a world of strangers (even if they are familiar). I know that I accomplish a lot more that way. I need to get things done, and that is the reason for the lists, and the fact that I forget a lot, but I like to see that I have done something. I guess it all goes back to think that I am wasting so much time. That I drive circles at work with no challenge to my mind, or abilities, so on my days off that is what I long to have. I just want to feel like I have made more of an impact for a day. The impact that would mean the most wold totally be the relationship one that I end up putting on hold when I have the lists. I see that I do these things but I know that I want things to get done. I need to have a lot of the things get done, so I think some things can wait. I just need some time alone, and some time to get things done.

paint me over

Make a change, right? It feels like I am covering up a lot of memories, with a layer of paint. I had forgotten all the nights that I would lay on my bed and write on my wall. I suppose the paper was not enough to hold my thoughts. Past that I had painted my favorite album title above the window, anyhere but here... I always used to wait to escape this place, and now I have. Softball was written down one wall, because I used to love to play sports. It seems that a lot of myself was in this room, and I am painting it all over. My friend told me not to paint it, because it was her favorite place to escape to, and she had so many memories there. I am still painting it. Trying to make it not so 14 year old. I suppose that I am also trying to break down to the person I am now. When I was cleaning things out for the garage sale, I found who I used to want to be. It was something that I did, I strived to be someone that I wasn't. There were the years I longed to be a hippie. Peace, Love, and Fake. Anyone that knows me can not forget the I am punk years. The boots, fishnets, can we forget all multiple times I dyed my hair. I am not sure that I ever each the lifestyle of a punk, because I was too considered with meeting the look, and who I needed to be to become that stereotype. Finding all these photos, items, and now all the things I am painting over makes me come to see that I am a person that long to be someone else. I was always content with the person that I made myself into. I think that it was more of belonging without admitting it. It seems that a layer of paint is covering up the insecurities that I never wanted to admit. I have made a change, but it was within myself. I know have to make this change within the place that I feel at home. I have been away, but I am back and there isn't a place that I would rather be. I feel home, and that is just what I feel. It is so real here. It is real in the since that it is the place that has formed me, and covered me for so long. I want to be able to feel at home with the 14-year old inside me forming me but not influencing my choices now. Now I am able to do things that I wasn't and it might just be some paint, but it isn't blue or yellow. It is paint that makes my true self come out and now that it is okay. I am comfortable with being predictable, indecisive and well just being janelle. I like the person I am, and I am not going to change because I am changing the place I feel at home. I am changing this place because I need to be able to know that I am not something I am not. The paper still is not able to hold my thoughts, but I will know have more wall to write on. I can also show the passion I have for creating spaces. It is the one desire I have not lost to learn more about. This is what I am becoming.... an organized, predictable Janelle, but at least I can tell you who I am, what I like to do, listen to, and not just the answers that I thought I would make me seems more like the person I wanted to be. I am okay if people don't like my opinions, answers, or just music. The paint is covering the past to make way for the present.

i paid to much to see a remake

I went to watch Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory in the theater tonight. I must say I have been avoiding going to theaters due to the high price of tickets, but I wanted to do something tonight. I must admit living in Wyoming, there wasn't much less since I wanted to go out. But the fact of the matter is that movies are very overpriced, and I am now banding them until they are cheaper. I will rent, I can wait that long. I also think that movies are not meant to be remade. I am not sure how Willy Wonka fits into this because it was good. I think that when movies follow a book, they need to do so exactly. Being the 2nd movie off this book, it had some standards to met. It followed the book closer, but I am not so sure about the movie itself. My favorite part of the first one was how they went down the stairs into the land of pure imagination. I think that this movie rushed things along more, but focused more on Willy Wonka over the others taking the development of each part. I think that it was played terrific, and the sketchiness of the character was amazing. I am not sure I would way the 7.75 to see this movie again in theaters, but I am sure that I missed a lot of details, that I would enjoy going back and watching for. I am still confused if they should redo movies. I mean this one had made a name for itself, the first time around. Singing and dancing Oompas, so much to reach. Remake, or just move on to another book since it seems movies can not be written anymore, they are just directed.

complex felt

I have a way of hiding how I feel. Mostly because I am not able to honestly tell someone how I do feel. I think that feelings are one of the most complex things in the world. I am an i- person, idealistic and indecisive. When it comes to sharing feelings and being both of these it is not a good thing. Idealistic side of my pictures the best, going above any expectations, and making me the happiest person in the world. The indecisive part of me knows deep down that it won't turn out like that, so then I have ponder a million different ideas of how it could be bad, and good. With all these ideas, it doesn't make it any easier to be able to share because I will go back and forth with myself. The idealistic side finding the ways to make it just right, and the indecisive not wanting to then wanting to, on and on. Not that this is all that bad of a thing, because of the complexity of feelings.
I am not even sure if I could breakdown a so called feeling. I could say that it is touching something. That is a feeling, a true sense of touch. I am talking about the ones that you are aware of. I guess that is a way to put it, you are aware of something around you. It could also be an experience. When I have feelings for someone it is an experience to be with them. It is like something takes over me, and I am aware that they have an impression made in my mind. They have to be just natural. I can't see you being able to develop feelings for someone, that is more like a tolerance for them. I am not sure if I will ever be able to truly know what a feeling is, but it sure does something to you.
i-person through and through, I know that feelings are going to be hidden with me for sometime, before I am able to let one slip out to a boy. I think that I do more through actions. I suppose that would be part of the experience. I am overwhelmed, or am I just whelmed with the fact that a feeling is more than I make them, or are they less than I want them to be.

thoughts of a day

I had this idea for a blog. I am a list maker, so I thought what if I made a list of thoughts I had a day. When that was WAY to many random things. But what about a few...
• I thought about having someone on your mind, and how isn't that an interesting idea. What is it that puts them on your idea, is it an event, smell or just a general feeling of like. I also thought about how long can you think about that person. If you think about them for a long time, is it like you think just about things you have done together, or after a while, do you start to daydream things you would do with this person.
• When you talk to someone what to they look at when they are not looking at your eyes, like when they are gazing behind you, and what are they really thinking about when they are talking to you.
• I wonder if I would even making through. Just like with each little thing that I do.
• Do people watch me like I watch them. I am really into the things at people do. I mean just like where they sit at a table compare to others. I just wonder if people observe my behavior like I do theirs.
• How do you answer when you are really uncomfortable with the comment someone made.
• Beauty in this world is in so many forms. I thought about how it was in voices.

okay that is just somethings I thought today.. not even half, just some I remember.

tick tick tick

I am not sure of the time. It passes but I never know just want I am doing. It seems that I am loosing time, so much of it. I like to do things when I am in the mood to do them. If I want to go for a run at midnight then I would like to do be able to, or even bake a cake at six in the morning. I just like to do things on my time, and not when it seems good for others. I have come to find that I am not aware of time like I used to be. I went through a stage where I was very into time management. I had each and every minute of my day planned. This was not going time management skill for me. I would become frustrated if something was not accomplished but according to my time planner it was time to move on. I think that now I am loosing time because I am not paying attention to the clock. I am wasting what people think is time. With my shift work, and 12 and a half hour days it makes it hard to do things on the nation's clock. I really feel like I accomplish a lot within a day that I have off. It might be at hours not everyone would be able to agree with, but it passing the time for me. It is loosing it and I am able to do things when I feel like it. I suppose that is why I have started to just sit and read, or knit. I even sat there this morning once my room was picked up, I sat there to just think. I know that is something I do a lot with my loosing time. I think about a lot of different things. It is hard to not when sitting in a truck that long, talking to yourself. Sometimes the thoughts are of how I am wasting more time than I am spending. But then I think about how isn't everything loosing time in its own way. If you think about how when you do something you don't enjoy it is loosing time that could be done for something you enjoy. BUT if you are doing something that you enjoy isn't it loosing time for something you need to do. I suppose the time and keep passing, and I can loose it for my relationships, events and plans, but overall I might gain something more with an hour of lost time.

same day each year

It is like a grill glowing in the distance, and the smell of meat frying in the air. It is the night sky lit up by burning chemicals, and Stars and Stripes playing every other time separated by God Bless America. It is a blanket laid out on the grass, and the sticky hands of lemonade. It is one of the days of year that people use as an excuse. It is a long weekend and a chance to get away. I am not sure what the world thinks of it, but to America it is one day of the year that is set aside. The 4th of July, Independence Day. It is something that I have never been able to comprehend. I think that I can think of the most traditions for this day over any others. It seems to be the one holiday that any American will use as an excuse to drink. I know that is should be something. I suppose the fireworks look like gun shots and bombs. The BBQ has become a celebration meal. The time of the year is beautiful. Plus the 4th of July sounds so much better then like the 4th of August. It works. Whatever it is.

Whole to parts

The thing that I enjoy most about work is that I get to see the sun rise and set each day I work. Tonight on the way home I watched it the entire time. Not to worry about the safety of the other drivers on the road, I was a passenger. Each and every night it is a different feel of beauty in the same form. Nothing about the sunset is the same from day to day. Clouds are placed differently, the colors blend to form more, or a variety of shades, or just the form of the sun and its rays change and keep the sunset's uniqueness of beauty. It is like taking the beauty of each part of a whole. Tonight I stood in the dark staring at a single white flower, but not the entire thing, just one of the petals. It was something about the lines that created the shape, and everything that made the beauty of the whole. I suppose things are slower for me this summer than I am used to and so I am able to take the time as they say to "stop and smell the flowers". I have done it in the past, but now it is like seeing each part and each detail that work together to create the beauty of the whole. I was beginning to wonder if you could do it in more things of life. Not to see beauty but to create a bigger picture of something small. It would be like combining every event or conversation with a person you have ever had, and having that person form to that. I mean that is what we do. We take what we know to create the parts we don't. or take the smaller details of the person to find the enjoyment that we have with them. The big difference with taking the parts of beauty is that you see the parts as a whole and then break it down, whereas with the having the parts form the whole. It doesn't seem like it would be a difference, but I think that will seeing the beauty, you have to look at the large and love it before you can take and give the parts the appreciation they deserve for the whole.

I had to start over on this blog a few times, because my mood is just a bit off. I feel like sharing a lot that I would not normally. It might be because I am just at a place of unsureness (yes, I know that is not a word). It seems like I am questioning a lot, but I am unsure of what they are and why I am...
I lost my place, but I am close behind... so I am going to end before I begin...

if it plays again

I am now working nights. I have 2 left actually. It is really hard for me not to think that it is 8 at night when I get off. I don't mind the nights, nor do I mind the days. I just have a hard time listening to the radio. There are Sirius radios in the majority of the trucks. I enjoy the station left of center, it plays emo and indie. My problem with any of the over 100 stations is that they play the same songs over and over much like the regular radio. I think that the radio needs to discover that there are a lot more songs but certain artists, or that just because they made it popular doesn't make the song good. I like to scan over the channels once 3 or 4 am rolls around just to keep myself awake, because there isn't much else to do. I suppose that hearing the same songs all summer won't kill, it is the boredom of the job that would. Plus the channel that only plays Elvis has less choices than the others, why not call the station "Broken Record" cause that is what almost every channel is.

Summertime

Summertime
Originally uploaded by jjjanelle.

If I was still in Arizona it would be the first day of summer still, although I am not so I am about 40 minutes past it. I must say it was a day of summer. Some things that make me think of summer are peaches, lemonade, and mowing the lawn. I did eat a peach, and have some lemonade, but I did not make it to mowing the lawn, but plan on doing that tomorrow. I think that it really is summer all year long in Tempe, so it is hard for me to get excited about the sunshine, or the 90 degree temperatures like most of the people here. I am even at the point where I did not think that it was hot. I do enjoy the summer days. It is like a sunshine day... I think I will go for a walk outside... the summer sun's calling my name... EVERYBODY's smiling... Sunshine day!
I would listen to Summertime by Mae, and I also enjoyed to make other because it was the summer solstice.
"Here we are, here we are,
windows down we see a falling star.
Stop the car.
Waiting for nothing but our beating hearts, going far.

Oh, the summertime.
So feel the air, feel the air,
take the map and point to anywhere.
I don't care. Fingers through your hair,
the sky I've seen is blue and green.
Oh, the summertime."

It was just like the days of clear skies that you were able to see the stars, just like all the years I remember. The air crisp and clean. I was riding my bike, and it just seemed like a day for anything. I think that summertime is about that. It was also one of those days that anything could happen and it makes it just perfect.
It is interesting that for me that little thing was being called something by someone that I wasn't used to hearing. It was set, but I just am not used to being referred to by that name that is set aside. It was like a summertime feeling that came over me and meant so much, even though I never thought that I would because of one word.
Oh the Summertime!

cut open the cricle...

Summer is going faster than it came. In so many ways I am glad about this, but in others I am not. I have just been working a mindless job at the coal mine. I drive a 240 ton haul truck. Somedays it is filled with coal, other days dirt. It is like the circle of no return. People that work out there do it end up there for the rest of their lives. The benefits are good, and considering the challenge of work (no much) the pay is good. My dad has worked out there and done driven truck for 16 years, and after a mere 8 days of 12 hour shifts, driving alone, my respect level and appreciation for what he gives me has gone up. He knows that he doesn't want his kids out there, but he does it in order to provide more for us. I am able to go to college, and do things because of him. It is a circle of trucks with no end, or return because the guys that work out there do so to provide or because they do no have education, so a haul truck anyone with half a mind could drive is what they do. The hardest thing for me about it, is that you can't even have a decent conversation with the people out there because they do not think. It is a the WYOMING, Republican outlook on life and there isn't much past getting a new lumber store in town. It is one of the most narrow minded places I have been. It is like the people are scared to go against what is told of them, and that they don't know better since the majority start when they are around 20 and leave then they are old enough, or have enough years in to retire. I must admit that if it wasn't for the coal mines, Wyoming would be nothing. They are the biggest resource, and provide the most money for the economy. I know that the company I am now working for provides me with money for college, with a scholarship last year and then again one this year if I complete the entire summer SAFELY. It is like they are trying to provide outlets to get the family members something better. I know that the jobs out there can't last forever, sooner or later the coal will be gone. Each day I think about a more productive way of removing the coal that would be quicker and not as much damage to the land.
For now though I am glad for the chance to make the money, and to help provide Wyoming with its life. I know that I have a limited time to drive in circles, and that my last day is marked on the calendar, but for others it isn't. I have to return to the life that I would rather live.

Mind Fear

I think that I am one of those people that like to create their own fear. I am not scared during movies, or when I honestly should be, but I am scared when I do it to myself. I am afraid of the dark. One of my friends used to tell me that I am not afraid of the dark itself but what is in the dark. I am beginning to think that it is is more what I think is there, that isn't. It is like I create stories about this or that. I am not scared when I see someone out there, or when a murder escaped from jail, but more when I thought I heard someone, or saw something move, most likely the wind. It is like creating your own joy, or sadness. The little things that are in my head scare me the most (well along with roller coasters but that is a different point). I am like the dog that is scared of its own shadow in the glass, but not the dog that could bite its head off, or is twice its size... The little phrases that are said can only add to it... like tonight when my friend was like yeah I am a little scared to because we are next to the interstate. It was just a million thoughts that ran through my head. It is like all of the possibilities that could happen in the dark are happening in my head. Fear is created through the spark in my mind that tells me I am to be afraid, although it isn't so much a fear of nothing, but as a fear finding out (being curious) if there is something more.

exchanging halves

I have been working on cleaning out my closet and my drawers in my room at my parents house, so that I can unpack all of my things I brought back with me. It is much more effort than I thought. I have so much CRAP! I am seriously getting rid of more of it than I probably should, but I just want to make space. But when I was cleaning out some jewelry boxes, I kept finding old friends, or best, or forever charms. A lot of halves to friendships. It is just interesting to me that I no longer remember who has the other half to more than 7 out of the 10 I found. I don't want to write a lot of things about it because I fear that I might be the one that has changed, but it always seems easier to blame the other person. I would like to say that of the 3 I know who has the other half, I still have communication with the girl, but that isn't the case. It wasn't just in the time that I went to college out of state that I lost connection with these people, it was when we were growing up, just across a small town. I would like to trace back each of the 10 people, that hold the other halves and rekindle the friendship, that once had a necklace, because it was so dear, but there if there was 10 of them, how special were they to me even at the time. One I know who hold the other part would not even think of talking to me know, because I did change. I am sure I have changed since college also, but what about the things that drew us together in the first place. I haven't thought of what I am going to do with all the half friendships I hold. Maybe save them, but probably not. I will probably just remember that if someone I have a connection with, I just should not let them slip away, and that the halves should make a whole more than when the dust is uncovered.

Check it Off the List

I am a planner... I am not going to lie about it... I make lists, for my lists... I draw diagrams of how to place things... I make up schedules... I just have to have things organized, and planned out. It is hard for me to just go and do something unless I have planned the time for it. I should be way better at time management, but the time I don't plan I waste. It just is so frustrating to me when things could along and ruin my plans that I have had set, and written out for far in advance. I just think that the rest of the world needs to be like me and think about it. I will drop all my plans, and schedules if something for someone else comes up, but I just wish that I would not have to. It seems like I am too compromising (a weakness from below) about things like that. I suppose everything works out in the end, and it is probably just a lesson I am suppose to learn, that things work out even if they are not planned, because it is all out of my hands...
I will still plan.... lists will always cover my desk, wall, and head.... I just need to work on not stressing or freaking out about my plans being changed....

Pack Up and Leave

I hate packing! I always have. I don't understand why you would want to "pack" or rather CRAM items that you need into a small space. I usually do it the night before I go anywhere, or usually in the morning I am leaving. That won't be MUCH different this time, except that will just be into the car. I have so many things that I have to get into my car. Some how I have gathered a lot of things in these 9 months. Some of the things I have NO NO NO clue where they came from or how I got them, but over all I have a lot of trash. Items I collect and save with good intentions I am sure.
I really would like to donate everything I have to the needy. The problem with this would be that I would just benefit from it by having to get new things when I get home. It would not be the act of love that I would hope for it to be. I would also benefit from it because I would not have to figure out how to pack everything into things that are later packed into my car. It is like the process of giving to get out of things, which isn't the best of ideas.
So I go back to the dread of packing. I will get it done, just in time to hit the road.

NoonVille

I think that I have come to find that I like the world that begins before noon. It is a different world. I seriously think that at noon, the world changes. In the morning there are less people out. This means lines are shorter, workers are more cheerful, things are just not overall as stressful. Stores are not scattered with the merchandise, they are still on shelves, or racks. One week days, kids are in school, weekends they are sleeping in. I think that the world before noon is just a better world. When I went to the DMV, before noon the line was shorter, and people were not in as much of a hurry, but as the time passed and it was afternoon, the world turned around. When I went to the grocery store around nine am, the crowd were older people, and they would say sorry if they hit you with their carts, which yes this did happen.
All over I have come to find that I enjoy the world before noon, mostly in the citu.

Weak me Up

I have remembered that it is a lot easier for me to write things than the speak them. Hint the name of my blog.... because I say things that I shouldn't, or just in a tactless way.
School is almost ending, and I am still way behind on everything for just about any class. I really need to work on my weaknesses...
From a personality test that I took a few weeks ago some of them were....
Indecisive
Lacks self-motivation
Hard to get moving
Resents being pushed
Indifferent to plans
Too compromising
Priorities get out of order
Scares others off
Has restless energy
Makes excuses
Yes there are MANY more, and the majority of all of them hold true.
So I am confused on how I should make myself a better person.... do I need to make my strengths, stronger or turn my weaknesses into strengths? Or do I accept that this is who I am, and that neither are going to change.
Does it mean something that I have three personalities, I ranked in 3 of them all so closely. I think it means I am a combination of all 3, but normally you are only of 2. Maybe I am still discovering this new person that I am becoming....
It seems like I am able to except all of the weaknesses, but have problems excepting the strengths...
Maybe I just need to write again, get into my thoughts, and know that something will come of the person I am becoming. Maybe I should give it time to grow and work on just being the strengths I want to be, and getting rid of the weaknesses I hate to have. But is it really that simple to just say I hate to be indecisive so I am going to be able to pick what I want, or what to do now.... I struggle with choice constantly....
Growth of a personality is a process.... I am just a work in progress....

when eye turn on you

My eyes are going to be scratched out of their sockets. Tears keep on falling, and the burliness gets worse with each one.
I blame it on allergies, and this dang Arizona growth season that never ends. I can handle the stuffy head, runny nose, and headache but my eyes are getting the better half of me.
No makeup, not even the little that makes it look like I am wearing none. It would be to much of a mess, when I give into the itches. I would not only be the bloodshot eyed girl, but the bloodshot eyed girl with black down her cheeks, not just under her eyes.


I am blank for ideas on what to write about. It seems like my eyes are the best thing I have to write about now. What else is there...
school--- consumes my almost every awoken moment
sleep---- all that I really want to do

I could write about the articles I have read online, or the thoughts in my head.... but that has been done before...
so for now it is about my eyes that enable me to see.. that might not last much longer.

Green me Love

Today is St. Patrick's Day...
Happy Wear Green Day! Hope that you are wearing green where someone can see it, or you will be pinched, or at least should be.
Something I found today that might help you to celebrate this holiday...

Looking for an Irish lover... well just visit
http://paddymatch.com/index.asp
it is the online dating club for the global Irish... I suppose if you aren't Irish you could lie, if you are desperately seeking an Irish mate. There are 395 people online right now!

Why not give it a try... it might not be Valentine's Day, but at least you can find some love... Irish style

spring is snow

Back in Wyoming for Spring Break... Some Spring... stepped off the airplane to snow beginning to fall. I guess that is Wyoming spring.
Not much happens here, in fact I am beginning to think that Wyoming isn't part of the world.
Even with all that I actually am enjoying all the time here with my family. It seems like the more distance I am to the rest of the people here, the better it becomes... I mean I am able to have family time, and really enjoy it.
I used to think that Spring Break was a time for trips, but now I just want to sleep. I find it hard to have the ability to get outta bed in the morning here, seems like that day was made for sleeping the entire thing away. Though I do get out just to wonder what I would be dreaming if I was still in there...
Maybe you would be in my dreams... maybe Canada would be, a place I have never been... maybe this world would be changed by a mere thought of what I was dreaming while sleeping the Wyoming day away... perhaps it would be a dream I could control.. or at least live out tomorrow
back to the spring... let the snow fall, while I stumble out of bed and make a day of what I have here

more work

Yes, I took the comments away again...
If you want to say something to me email me at
janellejennifer@gmail.com

It is something that I had to do... I guess I am just not used to the fact that I am allowing others to read my reading, much less tell me what they think about it... but I am still leaving that open in email form...

Preschool tomorrow, I have to get some sleep... The kids always tell me that they are tired, but seriously I think it is because they don't want to do the work. I mean how hard is it to cut and paste, if only my classes were about that... no I am stuck drawing.... and drawing to catch up now, everything is due before break...
Off to my world of the bed...